The Shifting Parent Relationship: For Parents of High Schoolers | Episode 87

Falling for Learning Podcast Episode 87 features Melida Haye, a veteran educator, who discusses her journey from Panama to the U.S., where she pursued a career in education despite her parents' initial aspirations for her to become a doctor. She emphasizes the importance of listening to children's interests and supporting their choices, even if they differ from parents' expectations. Haye highlights the significance of self-care and professional development, sharing her experience at a writing retreat that helped her combat burnout and rediscover her passion for teaching. She advises parents to actively listen, support their children's interests, and foster healthy relationships to ensure long-term success.

Transcript

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It's Hello. Everybody here is Falling for Learning Podcast. We're on a location today at The Gathering Spot in Los Angeles, and I have here Melida. Hay, Hello. Yes, she is a veteran educator, and today she's going to talk to you about things that you need to know to make sure you get that those kids on track with their learning. Okay, all right, let's begin. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the following for learning podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Okay, here we go, everybody. Hello, hello. How are you feeling fine? So she was one of the teachers that I worked with in the past when I was located at a high school. And really always, when we talk to teachers, and we have them on our podcast, we really talk to them about really, what makes you fall in love with learning, what made you over the years as a little kid, what really made you fall in love with learning? as a child, I love to read, and when we came to this country, we were located on a street where the library was right across the street, and they used to have summer reading programs. And I used to love how they had these ladders. And if you read a book, you color one of the wrong people ladders, okay? And then you watch it grow. And then one day, I don't remember I was in elementary school, but I remember I walked in and I there's the adult side and the Children's side. And I looked at the Children's side and I said, I'm going to start here and go all the way around and read everything and get to the big kids side. So I had to be in elementary to call it that, and I did. So I just love reading. Alright, okay, so one of the things we want to take a step back because we are at The Gathering Spot. And usually I'm in my dining room. Okay, that's where I usually am, guys and and today we're at The Gathering Spot because we just finished a writing retreat. We're working on national board certification, and so that's something that we're doing, like leveling up ourselves professionally as teachers. And tell us a little bit about that. It was exceptional. It was exceptional as a teacher. It's a profession where you can be easily isolated because you're in your classroom and it's just you and the kids and what you're going through. You may be able to touch on in PDS, but it's not it's a 30 minute or an hour, and it's back to hustling to whatever you have to do. But this one was, it wasn't about here's a strategy that you can learn for or that you can use to enhance your students growth. It's here are thoughts or things that we want you to think about. Here are some ways that you can stop and look at yourself, reflect on yourself first, yeah, before you start doing what you automatically do, which is Reflect on your kids and ignore you. And I bonded, and I made a lot of I met new friends who became immediate sisters in the struggle. Yes, it empowered. For those of us who are in teaching, burnout is is something we wear, like clothes. You just wear it. You burn out and you go, Okay, let's self talk our way back. We're not through the burnout, but let's keep going so your legs can move, so you can make it to the next day to go to class. And this is where it was like, Yeah, and I got a chance to, we all got a chance to just talk and rediscover our power. So this retreat gave me my power back. Yeah, that's so dope, yeah, and I agree so many great things. And shout out to The Teaching Well, it's a group of It's an organization that really talks about and supports teachers in healing, right? And so we know that we have a lot of parents and educators who watch this show. I mean, it's something, you know, mental health and self care is something that we really need to be involved in and practice, and The Teaching Well is dedicated to that, right? But, yeah, so we spent some time really, doing some writing, doing some self exploration as well as some positive self talk, right? Because sometimes when we are pursuing some kind of professional and. Accolade or something like that. Sometimes we're like, Well, can we do it? Or we'll be able to do it. And then, of course, you know, you what you say and what you believe is true, right? So if you're telling yourself you can do it or you're not able to do it, of course it's true, right? But giving yourself the positive self talk that you're able to do it is really going to make a difference in getting you to that next level. So, yeah, so can you tell us a little bit of Melida about your so you first of all, were saying something about in your country. So can you tell us more about that? Because you know, What country are you originally from, or your family? Okay, so the entire family, we're from Panama and then, and we came to this country because my father foresaw that there was much more opportunity here in the United States for his children. And so Panama is great. So that's where, but he was looking at ample opportunity. So when we came here, my parents were they both worked, and then they went to community college, and they received their AAS, and they stressed the importance of education to us. So when we were little, we were, we would say, young men, boy to colegio. We don't know what that meant, but we're going to college. And my parents would go, you're going to college. See, I'm like, Yes, we're going to college. Don't know what that means, but we're going, yeah. So that was ingrained when we were little and our parent, our parents were always striving for just excellence in teaching or and being a student. Okay, so tell us about your education experience. Obviously, you you were told you're going to college. You went to college. So tell us about your journey into like, you know, well, it's gonna get packet No, just to pack it up a little bit like I said, I am from Panama, and at the time, bilingual education isn't as apparent and structured as It is now. So I'm one of so I'm dark skinned, by way of African people, let's be clear. So our what I would tell people is that my ancestors didn't make it to the 13 Colonies of the United States. Instead, they were on another boat that went to Cuba, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Brazil, Jamaica. So that's where I am from. And so it was hard, because I only spoke Spanish when I was little, and folks didn't know what to do with this. And so my father, who was well versed in both languages, wrote a letter to the principal and said, Look, this is my child. This is what's needed. This is what I you know. And they were very active. My parents were very active in in the education of me and my siblings, excellent, so and, you know. So we went from there, and I went to to later, elementary, middle, then high school, and then I went to UCLA go Bruins, alright, and so what did you major in? And you know, what was it like there? You know, a lot of people talk about culture shock when people go to college, yes, yes, yes. It was, well, it was a culture shock throughout. So by the time I got to UCLA, the culture shock wasn't as great, meaning that there was the American way of living, and then the minute I got home, it was the embassy. There's a Panamanian way of living. So and people, when I got to UCLA, I wasn't as prepared as I thought I should have been. Mm, and that was a shock. Okay, so I had to buckle down and find study centers tutoring. They didn't have established tutoring and study centers back then. I'm not a dinosaur, but it was back then, so I was determined to get through I majored. I started majoring as a biochem because my uncle was a scientist who worked for NASA, and I just loved chemistry and the way things work then. But I'm, I'm more of a people person. Okay, so by the time I got the P Chem my junior year, I said, Well, okay, no more labs I'm done, and I switched it over into psycho bio, so that's psychology and biology put together, and that's that was my major. And but my mom was a preschool teacher, and so in Westwood, they had a preschool there, and so I'd walk over to her pre. School, and my heart would flutter, and I didn't know what that was, and it was the calling. That's what I call it. Ah, it was the calling, because I would, I would play with the kids all day, and my mom's like, don't ever, don't you have time? What change your class? And I'm like, yeah, I gotta go, but let me finish helping him. And so I immediately started helping kids. Oh my goodness, school. What did you want to do with the biochem though? What was I was going med school? Okay, okay, pre med, okay. I took the MCAT and everything. I was going to pre med, and then I was sitting there in class, and I was, I think I was going to the MCAT. For those of you don't know, is that the determination of your scores for admissions into medical school, but in a nutshell, and I don't know what they call it now, but um, and it just hit me, and I said, I don't want to do this. I'm going to be a teacher. But I couldn't say that, because my mother would be okay, but my father's like, No, you're going to be a doctor. So I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him until I graduated. I graduated from UCLA, and then I was going to go into public health. Okay, wait a minute, so you didn't tell him, did you change your classes or anything? No, because my parents were and they're in heaven now. So I can say this. My parents were truly vested immigrants. They'd say, you know, Melida, what are you taking? Biology, math and English? That's all I'd say. They'd go, okay, so they weren't well versed in what classes were needed. So I could just say, just the the general view of it. What are you taking? Well, I'm taking, you know, botany and math and a science class. Okay, okay, yeah. So now, yeah, there's a lot of more, like electronic you can look at it. You can see it occur. So I got away with it. And then when I graduated, I was going to go into public health. And again, I'm sitting there with the counselor, and she said, Congratulations, you just got accepted to UCLA public health. I went, yay, okay. And she goes, you don't look excited. And I'm like, Okay, I'll just do it. And she looked at me, she goes, she put aside. She goes, what do you really want to do? And I said, I want to teach, but I can't. I mean, I'm, I'm very much into health. And she goes, Why don't you become a health school teacher? That's all she had to say. And she said, there was some Renegade, renegade PhDs who were in the public health program with UCLA Renegade. They were renegade because they took what they gathered up, left UCLA and went to Cal State, Long Beach, the whole open, you know. And the majority of them were in the health sciences. I see. I mean, the ink didn't even dry. I said, Call him. And they called, and I was and I went to, and I did my my masters at Cal State. But why did they go to Long Beach? Why they just stay in because they wanted to do their own thing? Okay? And there were openings in Long Beach. They could be more that they could they could create what they want, okay? And so I did. I went, I mean, I was flying over there, so let's just pause. There's so many lessons here, right? Like, you know, sometimes we as parents, we have an idea of what we want our kids to do. Yes, we try to steer them, but it is their life we do need to remember. And I had this problem with myself when my daughter was, you know, in her college years, and but it's like sometimes they have something that they want to do that's in their heart, and then we have to honor that, like that's part of what their purpose is. It wasn't our message. It wasn't a message given to us. It's a message given to them personally, and we have, we should honor that, right? But good thing, you're able to do what you wanted to do. But how did we get here? So we know you're a teacher, so you went to the public health and that was, well, no, at the time, this is way back at the time, there was a school health educator and a community health educator, okay? And the school health educator, you get a single subject in health, and at that time, health educators taught health, and you did it per semester. So every semester you get new kids. Okay, now it's infused into the sciences and the PE department. So that's what I was doing. And the minute, the minute I was LAUSD, and the minute I stepped under the classroom, it's like my whole body went he was supposed to be here. This is what you spoke. And so I'm the only teacher in the family, so that's why my father looked at me like, why and why? Though? Is it the money? No, it's because what you said. Parents. Parents are looking after their children, and many parents feel like I know what's best for my child, right? You're going to change your mind, or this is not I can see you going in this direction, but this really isn't a direction that you need to go, and I'm going to guide you where you should be. And because my mother was a teacher, he couldn't really, really, really go in that direction, and he saw that I was happy. So it worked out, and I was going to do it anyway. So let's be clear, but that's why, and I, and I truly honor what he was saying. But this is my calling. This is i, this is my calling. And then from there, I just started getting, well, wait, wait, you can get a multiple you can, you can teach elementary. Okay, how do I do that? Okay, I'll do that. Wait, wait, wait, I can do English. I can do that. I can get us a single subject English. What do I do that? Well, because of psycho bio, I had a psychology when I'm like, wait, wait, I can, I can teach psychology. Okay, so opening up, you have, you have multiple subjects and the single subject, I have multiple subject, single subject and health, a single subject in psychology and a single subject in English. So multi faceted teacher. That's amazing. So we are going to get a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook are your go to resource for helping kids to learn to fall in love with writing. It has the tips, tools, resources, strategies and skill building activities to help kids fall out of writing and into loving to write. Get your book set today. We're back. Thank y'all. Okay, so can't keep your kid from your calling? Well, you could try, but a lot of times you're unsuccessful, and you know you're blocking their happiness, right? That's one of the thing about our kids. We have our kids, but they have their own mission in the world, right? And so we have to honor that, right? So what can you say to parents and caregivers educators out there, they're trying to figure out what to do to support our kids out there, to make sure they have, like, a competitive advantage? Yeah, in this day and age, especially with communication being as it is, the influence of the cell phone, uh, listen as best you can to your child. And some of you out there about to take that deep breath, I know, I know, I know. And look and see what they my mother used to say, when your hand turned best is when your hand turned best and opens up. This is what you do. This is who you are. And so look and see what they are doing. That's just that flow, that energy at the dinner table. We weren't allowed, well, we didn't have phones, I mean, back then. But if you can, and if they can, turn away from the phone for a minute, ask them about what, what interests them, you know what? What's your interest? And listen, but actively listen. And to actively listen, what I tell parents is to repeat, not in a content sending way, but to repeat saying, Okay, let me understand what you just said and to repeat it so that they feel they've been heard. Because a lot of my students will come and they didn't hear me. They're not hearing me. Miss hay, and I'm like, okay, okay, they are. But sometimes we have our own agenda, yeah, and we're listening, but we're waiting for that moment to to respond back based on what we know absolutely and so sometimes you've gotta roll with it, even if you have to sit on your hands. So children need to be heard. Okay, that's the first step. Okay, so we need to listen. We need to try to figure out what their interests are. Um. Okay, you said that's the first step. What else? Second step is get ready for their interest to win or become several or go back and forth. Okay? And when that happens, then you become the anchor, so to speak, meaning that if they're back and forth, that's means they're in a series of confusion. And what I tell parents is that you hold that space for them to go, okay, you've got this, this, this, this and this, but which one is is kind of pushing its way forward and have that kind of conversation and then just go, all right. And but also take into consideration their ages. So if you're talking about someone who's in elementary then you're going, Okay, well, there's a little bit of time Middle School. They're a little bit on the energetic side. And so it's one minute, it's, you know, I'm okay. Next minute, I'm I'm not feeling it right now. So it's that by I teach high school, and by my seniors, they're in a different kind of quanji, because they're about to be young adults, and half of them are scared to death. Yes. So change, yeah. Big, big change. And with the with the high schoolers, it's more of, okay, this is the direction you want to go. So what I tell parents to say, Okay, this is the direction where you want to go. Comma, what's your plan? Mm, what's the plan? And then listen and say, I say, Well, can I make a suggestion? I know for parents, it's that'd be tough. It's like, wait, I'm gonna ask you. I'm making, I'm making a suggestion. Sometimes you have to go there if you want your child to be part of the conversation. Humble, thyself. Is this what we're saying? Yeah, if you want your child to be part of the conversation. Because if you do that, one up, then it gets put into where they just shut down. And whatever you want to say that's what's going to happen. Yeah? So they'll maybe even act like they're listening to you, but they have shut down internally, because now I'm in the I'm in the son daughter mode, and I'm just going to wait for you to say whatever you're going to say. I'm either going to do it anyway or I'm going to feel defeated and just decide go with whatever you just said, and I'm not going to be happy about it. Yeah. Okay, so we gotta listen to our kids. Ask them what their plan is. I know a lot of us want to give them the plan. Yes, you can hit you can say, Hey, okay, it sounds like you don't. You're not. Your plan isn't established, or is it? Well, suggestion, have you thought about this? Have you thought about that? And if, and if they say, Well, yeah, then you're, there's your opening. Okay, well, let's look at this plant. What about and it's, it's, it's, it's kind of peeling back the layers of onions. And when you peel it back, sometimes you don't, you swear that's an onion, but it's really turned out to be a pear. It's a It's not even a veggie or anything. It's a fruit. Now, yes, so now we gotta, we gotta peel that one back to see what it is. And it's a process. It's just a process. So they're going through a big shift as they get older, like, do you have seniors, students that you serve and then, but the parents have to think about how to shift that relationship, that conversations, all of that. And, you know, a lot of parents that I speak with are also concerned that they don't they really don't want their child to go, you know, they can choose a career or something that keeps them like right here next drunk and and that fear of letting go, that's, that's a tough especially now in our society where things are very uncertain and a little on the, you know, crazy side, at least, that's a hard one. That's, and I'm, I'm not, I'm just putting out there what I get in my classroom with students, and over the years that I've spoke with parents and students, yeah, and sometimes I've had to, like, be a mediator. I'm like, Okay, let's do some actives. Okay, Mom, did you hear what did you hear? What what your child has said, Okay, child, did you hear what mom just said, yeah, and going back and forth. So also, I'm hearing like, you know, maybe you don't have a Ms. Haye, but maybe there could be someone to mediate if they're if the conversation isn't going well, if you can't stop yourself from dominating the conversation, because you need to talk to them in a way that they are becoming young adults, right? And to help them form their plan, you don't want to lock yourself out, because that's what some of us do. We will lock ourselves out of our plan with them, right? And they really need your guidance. But if you are being do domineering or whatever, then you will lock yourself out of the process, which, of course, can be very disastrous for the kids, sometimes, right? Sometimes they are, you know, self starters, or, you know, they really know what they want to do and they'll be fine. But sometimes they won't. So try to continue to work with them by humbling yourself and trying to, you know, just put yourself in a place where you're listening and then you are suggesting, but they are the ones who are making the ultimate decisions, because it is their life, right? And you gotta let them make their own mistakes. That's tough. That is the hard part, because you want to be that safety net, and you still can. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, however, you cannot build a house and the platform and the safety net and everything for them. Sometimes, sometimes they'll live in it out of spite. They'll live in it out of regret. You know, it could go sideways. Sometimes it's worked out where it's been okay. But I hear a lot from because I keep up with a lot of my students who have since graduated, and I hear if I if I had done it this way, or, you know, my parents didn't let me do this, so now I'm doing this, or if I had someone to talk to, or, yeah, yeah, alright, we could really negatively impact we don't we want to give them a competitive advantage, and the competitive advantage is you right? You giving them that support, you being in there in their lives. But again, if we make a wrong turn, we could, you know, disadvantage them, because we have kind of severed the relationship, or put ourselves in a way where they don't want to, really want to listen to us, they're not open to us, because they are able to shut us out in many ways, you know, and and I can if you make that wrong turn, because sometimes it's inevitable, yeah, clash, and it's tough for you to go back and say, Hi. Can we? Can we do a do over? Can we do? Do we? Can we talk again? And if, and if it's too emotional, what I used to tell parents is, designate a time. Look, you're really emotional about this right now. I'm just emotional about this right now. Can we talk on Monday at, you know, 630 or can we go for a walk on Monday? We don't have to say anything. Let's just go for a walk and ease back into the situation or the conversation. Because do overs are powerful. They're powerful because they now know that as humans, we may class, but we, but we'll get through it. There's we're going to go through this process. It's not class fail. We're done. Never going to speak about again. Hurt feelings. Someone's got to come back and say, Hey, wait. Okay, let's, let's go back. Let's revisit. And as the adult, yeah, you maybe have to be the one to to do that, and I can hear parents go, I don't, I'm not doing that, or I get that. Yes, yes, yes, yes, but we're looking at the goal. What is the long term goals to have a healthy relationship with your child and to have your child fulfill whatever they were meant to do on this planet? Mm, hmm, absolutely. Okay. Well, are there any final things that you want to tell parents or educators out there who are trying to give the kids a competitive advantage? Yeah, you matter. You matter. There are days when you don't think you do, there are times when you go, Who is this child? I'm not sure. In the long run, you matter. And the little things that you do that you feel like nobody's watching, no one's listening, they are because I'm the teacher that hears about it. And the little things that they remember, I'm the one that hears about it. So you matter, you matter, you matter, you matter. Remember that, remember that. Okay, we thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you for having me. Yeah, it's been amazing. Um, so this is a really wonderful like cherry on top for the weekend to hear like such sage advice from you. We're again, so honored to have you on our show. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you. All right, and then parents and educators out there, make sure you do something today that's going to give your child the competitive advantage. Thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast. New episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com at falling for learning or listen on all major podcast at. Ones such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit, falling in love with learning.com we really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week. You.