Perfectionism is Fear: A Guide for Parents - Episode 73

Perfectionism is Fear

TD Flenaugh discusses the detrimental effects of perfectionism in children, emphasizing its roots in fear of rejection and inadequacy. Perfectionism can lead to procrastination and hinder children's ability to achieve their dreams. Flenaugh advocates for a growth mindset, where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities, and encourages parents to model their own imperfections. Strategies include predicting and embracing mistakes, discussing personal failures, and fostering a positive outlook. Flenaugh also highlights the importance of self-acceptance and resilience, urging parents to help their children navigate perfectionism early to prevent long-term issues like mental health problems or suicide.

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

TD, I'm your host. TD,

TD Flenaugh: 0:04

Flenaugh, today we're going to dive into a topic that some parents don't know about how to deal with, and that is perfectionism in their children. So we're going to talk about that today. We're going to get into how there are so many drawbacks to it, and if we don't help our kids navigate this type of mindset, it could actually get them off track for success, even though they're really into learning. Now, don't want to miss this episode. Stay tuned. Hit like and subscribe. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the following for learning podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. The gray is growing in. I don't know if I'm gonna let it go or do whatever, but right now, it's growing in, and we'll see how it goes. I've been having some skin issues, and I'm worried about any new chemicals being introduced, and so we're letting the gray grow in a little bit. So there you have it. Let's get into some of the drawbacks of perfectionism. First of all, perfectionism has to do with fear at its core, the fear of not being good enough, not being accepted, right? So that is at the core of what perfectionism is. As kids grow into adulthood, perfectionism can actually stop them from making their dreams come true, because this fear of rejection turns into procrastination. It turns into them not being able to move forward because whatever project they're working on or whatever they want to do is not going to be good enough. It's not, you know, it doesn't look good enough. It is not completely done. They still have to add a couple of more details to it right, and that time stretches into years, and they're not getting done or actually executing the dream and the steps and the actions that they want to take. So it is very important at our early age that we address this with our kids and help them to navigate this fear, right? Perfectionism is often put in to place. You know, it really makes kids motivated to do well and do a good job. But what it really happens, what really happens, and it shows a drawback, is when kids are finding something to be a challenge, right? So as you know, a lot of kids that are perfectionist are very good at a lot of things, right? They may not have met many obstacles in their path as they're working, right? And I am a recovering perfectionist, as I've said before, on this podcast, and you know, perfectionism really stopped me from doing things like putting out a podcast or writing a book, because I just knew that it wasn't right, it wasn't good enough. And I found myself laughing at people who put out things that weren't good and really then not going forward and moving forward on the things that I knew that I wanted to do and I knew that I could do. So I really want you to really get in ahead of it right and help your kids navigate this. So when perfectionists find that something is difficult for them. It's hard. They're not automatically good at it. They are then making excuses why they can't do it. They are blaming others, you know, the teacher or someone else, for them not being successful. And instead of, you know, really leaning into that with the kids, what you can do instead is really take a step back and help them to reflect on what's happening, right? Because, again, the root of this attitude is a fixed mindset. So a fixed mindset is I'm smart and I'm good at things, and that's just how it is, right? And when we run into problems, it is very easy to deflect that and blame others and really decide abandon whatever this activity or this project is, instead of saying that they can learn how to do it better, they could get better at it, they could sharpen this skill, right? Instead, perfectionists tend to abandon a project and then make an excuse as to why they didn't do it, and blaming others has to do with it sometimes as well. Yeah, so it's very important that we think about helping our kids to navigate this, because they are very smart, very intelligent, and they are really their worst enemy, meaning that their negative thoughts, their their feeling inadequate, right? What perfectionism is, you're never going to be perfect, and so you are going to be really at the core, feeling inadequate, feeling like you're not good enough. And being able to help them get over this is going to help them to really be successful. And then all those positives of being perfectionist, paying attention to detail, being very motivated to do well, being competitive, all those things can be a positive for them instead of a drawback or actually a setback in their life. Okay, so the strategies that we want to work with, again, are thinking about that growth mindset number one, the growth mindset saying, if we continue to work on this, that we're going to do better, that mistakes are evidence of progress and learning. And there is even brain research saying that our minds are working harder about while we are making mistakes. So mistakes is part of the learning process, and it is something that we need to embrace and that we need to think about when we're even approaching a problem. So when a kid starts a pro starts a new project or some kind of new endeavor, asking them right before they even begin, you know, how many times do you think you're going to have to try this before it, you know, before it is successful? Like, maybe, how many mistakes will you make? Like, unsuccessful attempts? Because it's going to happen right now. They could get lucky and get something on the first time, but more likely, they're going to be up against some type of mistake or challenge or some kind of growth gap that they need to fulfill as they are developing into this new project or role that they are undertaking so again, helping them to know that making mistakes is a natural part of it, and even predicting how many mistakes you might be making, so that you know that this is part of the process. The other thing that we want to say as far as modeling goes is really talk about your own failures, your own mistakes. And this isn't the first time that I accept this on this podcast, but when we're thinking about perfectionist we really need to be open with them, because in their mind, they're supposed to do everything perfectly the first time. And they may be measuring according to your your measuring stick, right? You may be pushing this on the child, making them feel like they're inadequate or they're not good enough. You might be comparing them to their older or younger brother or sister or something like that. We're not saying you're doing it on purpose. We know that you're a parent that is an imperfect human being, so this is why you have to actually think about what you're doing and what you're saying to your kid. So number one, taking a look at what they're doing and helping, helping them to see you in your own imperfections, right? So say I made a mistake with this. Sorry. I thought, you know, I blamed it on dad, or I blamed it on you, or I blamed it on my boss or whoever, but I actually am the one who did this, and I am sorry. I'm apologizing for it, and then talking about how you could get better next time. Right? You may be in your own competitions or doing your own types of endeavors, and you know, like, let's say you're challenging yourself to do a marathon or a 5k or something, and maybe you make a mistake, and you, you know, you're a lot slower than you thought you were going to be. You know, when you set a goal, or maybe you get tired or sick or some kind of pain that that prevents you from stopping, that prevents you from moving on into this race. Then again, telling yourself, you know, I did my best. These are some things I could do better next time and in front of your kid, being human and making mistakes and being open to discussing how you're going to do better next time and how this is part of your learning journey, right? So really being open with your kids. Now, as a teacher, sometimes I make purposeful mistakes in front of my kids, like I may spell a word wrong or something like that, then I check it and I let them know it's okay to make mistakes. So you can start with made up mistakes, but you also want to be vulnerable in front of your child, so they could see that you're making real mistakes and how you deal with it. And of course. Course you want to, you know, be clear about not, you know, opening up too much, or things that kids shouldn't know about. But there are plenty of examples during the day or week where you could show your own mistakes and how you're growing from those mistakes. So very important for you to consider and think about and continue to be open in front of your child through the learning process. Very, very important. It is also important for you to understand that perfectionism could be a trauma response to feeling unsafe or not being a part of a family. Sometimes you'll find perfectionist as the step child, or a bonus child, the way people like to call them, you'll find that they are trying to do everything right all the time, and that is because at the court are not sure if they're really wanted or valued, and they actually drive themselves crazy, like I drove myself crazy with perfectionism. As a high schooler, I took a bunch of AP classes, honors courses, and just whips up all night, pretty much every night, studying. And my junior year of high school, that first semester that happened, I really had a breakdown when I got less than perfect grades and ended up deciding to drop, you know, all of my AP courses and honors classes, because I just drove myself crazy. And I actually, you know, just had a big breakdown. I even moved out of my house during that time. Like, it could really be detrimental, like, luckily, I kept things together. I went to college and still got my or my degree and everything like that. But I did really have a breakup with my parents, right? We were estranged for a while, and I even moved out of state, out of Alaska. So this, all of this came, you know, after my breakdown of being a perfectionist for so many years. So it is important for you to get a handle on this early on for your kids, because you don't know where it could lead some perfectionist even, you know, die by suicide, it's just too much for them to deal with. It is unattainable, right? So at its core, like you saying At its core, you know kids, kids need to know that they are loved no matter who they are or what they are, that they're loved not because they got A's, not because they won the spelling bee just because they are who they are. 75% of children don't know how to write well. Add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story if your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook. We tend to make sure that parents know what to do, that educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better, but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to falling for learning.com today to purchase your set. It is so important that we get to the root cause of the perfectionism. It's the perfectionism from trauma? Is it because we are the ones who have this really high standard for them, and we're not letting them know that we love them, even if it's not perfect? You know what is happening with our kids? Right? We need to build up their self esteem so that we they know that they are enough without being perfect, because, again, no one is perfect, and that's an unattainable goal, so really being clear with them about what you want them to do and what you know they're capable of doing, but letting them know that making mistakes is part of the journey, if we don't get To the root causes of why they have perfectionism. Again, it could cause a mental type of breakdown or something for our kids, or even worse. And so it is so important that we learn that. And obviously, because children are always trying to be perfect and reach unattainable goals, they're not going to be happy. They're going to be very unhappy, right? And really self worth and happiness does not come from being perfect. It comes from progress, being resilient, like keep working, even when things don't go perfect. Perfect and learning how to conquer fears and to face challenges, and not because you're perfect, but because you believe in your ability to to be strong and to create a new story. Even when you've been you have setbacks really important to think about. You know, how we're modeling for our kids reaction to a negative outcome or a mistake, right? So if they make a mistake and we're really hard on them, then, of course, that reinforces the need for for perfectionism, if they are making mistakes, and then we are showing that there's grace there. This is part of the learning process. Is an understanding there. Then kids are more likely to relax on their on their idea about what being perfect is, or what success looks like, or what success should be, right? So the more we are embracing mistakes as part of the process and part of our journey, then the more our kids will be able to accept themselves as humans who make mistakes. So this is something that I know so much because my second grade teacher, Mr. Bu shout out to Mr. George Bucha was had on my second grade report card that Aisha is finally learning how to accept mistakes that you know she's human. So it was something that was very evident to teachers. As a young child, I would definitely talk to teachers like debate with them about why I missed a particular problem, and, you know, maybe even blame the teacher for things. But, you know, I had some great teachers. Been blessed to have some great teachers who were able to help me to put some perspective on things. My parents also helped me, you know, to navigate some of those problems as well, but they do create huge problems in a kid's life, if we're not careful about really helping them to unlearn some of these negative habits when it comes to being perfect, right, which they're never going to be perfect, but being a perfectionist, right? Really driving yourself crazy is what really it. It amounts to and it's something that you really want to make sure that you're addressing, and it may be counseling, but it also does come from you noticing the good things about them, and pointing those things out, and talking about progress and growth with them, and talking about your own progress and growth, whatever that is, if you're on a journey to get healthier, or a journey to obtain some kind of degree or certification, and helping them to realize that they have their own journey and and the journey is imperfect and it's beautiful in its is imperfections, and that they're beautiful and they are worthy in their imperfections. So when we are showing them optimism, when there's something that doesn't go wrong, then they can also do that too, right? So let's say we tried to do something it didn't work out, like I kind of figured that wouldn't work, that's okay, but I tried, and I'm happy that I tried, but this is what I learned from what I tried, right? So having an optimistic and a positive outlook when it comes to challenges, is so important, right, predicting that there may be some setbacks before you get into it, but going into it, knowing that you're going to make a mistake and it being okay, right? Because I've heard this really a lot of times lately, like, you can't learn to swim by reading a book, right? I can read 10 books about swimming, but until I actually get in there and actually swim and make those mistakes, that's what I learned from right? And perfectionist, as they get older, they are more control of whether or not they're going to do something or not, and they're like, working on a book for 20 years like I've done, and really always saying it's not quite right. I still need to do this. I still need to do that. It's not good enough. Someone else put out something that wasn't good enough and perfect enough, and laughing at them or whatever, but really making a decision that 80% is okay, right, giving yourself a measuring stick, like it's not going to be perfect. I could come out with a second edition of this book or something like that, but I'm putting it out and really giving yourself that grace, that maybe there will be mistakes, and it's okay, but I am going to move forward in my planning, in my execution of my plan, and really being able to fulfill what my. Purpose is so we know that if we're perfectionist, we are paused because we are in fear. We are procrastinating. We're always talking about what more we have to do, and the list goes on. It never stops, because we're never going to be perfect. It's never going to be the right time, but when we are able to embrace this at a young age, as we're older, we know that we are going to learn from the process of actually doing things, instead of making sure things are perfect before we actually execute a plan, which again, that day will never come because we're not perfect, and we're not going to ever be perfect. So let's get into a few scenarios. We could tell kids things like Done is better than perfect. So if your child has a school assignment or project that is not done, and let me just tell you, I have had an experience where I stayed home from school three days to finish a project because it was not good enough. I was doing extra detailed notes on a chapter, and I just felt like I didn't have enough notes on all the chapters, or like I did a page on each chapter. It was ridiculous. Again, driving myself crazy, and again, telling your child Done is better than perfect, because, again, perfectionism is not something that can be achieved, and letting them know you're about 80% done. It's not perfect, it's okay. It's gonna be okay, helping them to let go of that measuring stick of perfection that doesn't exist and letting them know this is projects off your hands. Now you're going to turn it in today, you're going to go to school, you're going to be okay, and it's that's that right? Your perfectionist child is not going to get an F on everything, right? They might get lower than a B, maybe it maybe a minus. And a lot of times again, we're judging ourselves way too harshly, and it's going to be okay. It'll be such a relief. It was such a relief once I got that project out of my hands, but I obsessed over it so long, right? So let them know you're going to get to about 80% right again, with perfectionism, I might be maybe there's 20 chapters, and I'm stuck on chapter 10 trying to make it perfect. Nope, move on. You're going to chapter 11. Now. You could go back to chapter 10 later and make it better, make it whatever, but go to chapter 11, give yourself, you know, a certain amount of time, and move on. And when you give them some parameters like that, it'll help them to not drive themselves crazy, and it'll help them to move forward, because it will be about 80% once that hour is done, or the 15 minutes, whatever you think is a reasonable time to negotiate with them so they could get done with their project, right? And remind them Done is better than perfect, right? Because perfection is not going to come, and that means you're never going to get this project done, which means, of course, you're going to get an F you didn't turn it in. It's not done, right? So when you get it done, get it out of your hands, and you learn from that. And we know, because of new grading practices, that kids are often able to do a project again or resubmit to get more points. And it depends on the teacher. Not everyone does that, but there are some teachers who do that, and that gives yourself some space and grace, right? And breathe through right. Help your kid breathe through you're okay. And I always like to say, like, what's the worst that could happen? Right? You're turning an assignment your teacher's not going to give you f, right? You've paid attention to details, right? The worst they're probably going to give you is, like a C or something like that. And again, there's more there's more time, and a lot of times those perfectionist kids already have, like, a 98% even if you got a low grade on an assignment, it's probably not going to touch your grade much, right? So remind them that a lot of this is illogical, okay? And it's okay, you know, help them really. Help support them through this, because in their mind, they have blown up whatever the project or whatever is, talk them down from that ledge, because they're feeling like this is the worst thing ever, but it's not. It's just an assignment. They could turn it in and it's going to be about 80% and that in our mind, we're saying 80% but a lot of times it's already in a project. Another way to help kids work through something is like baking or creating, like building something right? I really have talked to you about this in the past, where I like to, you know, to build the furniture or put it together. And there are some mistakes that happen sometimes, but I navigate it and help. Helping them to work through those problems. Sometimes a bake, when you're baking, the cake falls, or something like that, the TD, the taste isn't right, you maybe put too much of something in, or whatever, right? And this helped them to reflect on what they learned about it, right? That experience is the best teacher, and the kids are getting experiences now, but when they get older, they're going to be in more control of what experiences they have or they don't have, so you'll find a lot of adult perfection is really in a holding pattern, because whatever it is that they're working on or they want to do is not perfect and will never be perfect, so they'll never get it done. So they're in a holding pattern. So again, breaking our kids out of that cycle early is going to help them so much, to propel them to success in the future. Because when we talk about kids being on track for learning and to stay on track for success, it's all about addressing these issues with perfectionism, because a lot of times they're learning right, because they're going to do their work. They're going to pay attention when you're baking and you see that there are mistakes and problems. Baking is not like a high stakes thing, right? Helping kids make mistakes and less high stakes, right? And helping them laugh through the mistakes, talk through mistakes, and reflect on the mistakes together, helps them to to really think about spreading that experience in other ways, right? We're going to kind of laugh through we're doing our best, right? We're not going to play around for everything, but we are going to think about, this is just one assignment, this is just one homework task, and think about how to bring that growth mindset like, Okay, I'm going to make a mistake, but I'm going to learn from that mistake. I'm going to be better next time. As I'm working and growing through this, I am learning right, and it keeps kids on track, and it helps them to face mistakes fearlessly, because the perfectionism is rooted in fear, and so we're rooting this in fearlessness now, thinking about, let's just make it let's just try to put together this IKEA, whatever it is, right? Even though it may not be perfect, we're going to get it done, and we're going to get it done the best of our ability. We're going to do our best. Okay? And maybe you don't have all the tools or all the things or all the ingredients, but helping it be light and fun is really important, because perfectionists often love to learn and love to do things, but also they are really not having fun, and really helping them to bring the fun back into it is again Going to do so much as they are building building themselves up for the future. As you know, I love to write, um, there is some journaling experiences that can come from facing these fears, facing the the fear of mistakes, and moving forward even when we're not sure of ourselves, even when we're out of our comfort zone, right? Because that's how people become successful. They're moving themselves out of their comfort zone, into new territory, trying out new things, being unafraid of falling or failing. And so you could have a fail forward journal, or you could have a, you know, have to call it a fail forward journal, but you could journal about it, right, what you learned and how you're going to do better next time, and how much fun you had with this, right, reflecting on the joy of resilience. And then you know that, you know how people say you'll look back on this and laugh. Help them, they will be able to look back on it and laugh, right? That journal will be a testimony that they're not human. Sorry, that journal will be a reflection that they are human and that they can make mistakes and they can move forward and learn from those mistakes. So that's really what it's all about. So remember, perfectionism can be a huge problem in a child's life as a kid, and even more, as an adult, right? When kids or adults get in a holding pattern pattern, they get in a holding pattern of not doing what that they want to do or what they aspire to do, because it's not going to be right. It's not perfect. It's not the right this. It's not the right that right and moving them out of that fear, right happens when we really are looking at the root cause? Is this a trauma response where they feel like they're not good enough, they've gotten the message that they were not good enough, or they weren't worthy enough, that having low self esteem? Is it because we are causing it because we're holding them towards a very, very high standard, and not telling them or showing them how to be resilient. Is it also from a fixed mindset where they just feel like I'm smart and I shouldn't have to try very hard. Or, you know, instead of having a growth mindset. And set where they're like, I'm not that good at this, but I'm working on it. I'm practicing, and I am going to get better over time, right? So thinking about those root causes, talking to them about your own failures, and how you learn from your failures and your setbacks, and then really helping them to reflect through journaling, talking them through this, saying positivity, speaking positivity, positivity, speaking positivity into them, right? And really helping to nurture them in self acceptance, accepting who they are and who they are is enough, right? So that is very important. So now we are going to be ending this podcast, and we want you to really think about what you used, how you're going to use it, and really to tell you that you should be doing something today, that your future adult children will thank you for thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast. New Episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com at falling for learning, or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit falling in love with learning.com. We really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week.