Agreeing to Disagree: A Guide for Parents | Episode 72

TD Flenaugh discusses the importance of teaching teens to handle disagreements productively, emphasizing respect, empathy, and clear communication. Key strategies include understanding friends' personalities, avoiding public arguments, and advocating for changes respectfully. For conflicts with authority figures, private discussions are recommended. Flenaugh highlights the need for self-preservation and the ability to revisit conversations when calm. The conversation also touches on the importance of writing skills and advocating for oneself, especially in situations of bias or discrimination. Practical advice includes role-playing, understanding rights, and knowing when to walk away from unproductive discussions.

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:00

We're going to tackle a topic that everyone needs to know how to deal with, and that is conflict, dealing with disagreement. How do they navigate this? How do teens navigate this in a mature way, in a productive way, so that it's not burning bridges? And we know that kids are highly volatile emotions, right? And simple disagreement can get them into a lot of trouble. So stick with us if you want to know how to get this done. Like and subscribe, we'll show you the ropes to helping your kids navigate disagreements. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the Falling for Learning Podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Welcome. I have my tea. I am here, settled in, ready to get into this topic now, before we get into the topic, topic, you might notice there is some gray growing in the front. Yep, my aging process is aging me. I don't know, I'm not really funny, but that's, that's how we're starting today. Anyway. Disagreements, right? We all have them. It's a life long constant is we're going to have a disagreement with someone. Our teens need to know how to have a disagreement and how to steal, keep their job. You know, not to burn down the house, you know, metaphorically, and we're going to be targeting those specific relationships, the friend relationships and teacher relationships. And that could be obviously translate to a coach or someone else that they're working with to help them develop their skill for the future and whoever they might encounter in the world, they need to know how to have some strategies and techniques for dealing with disagreement, getting into friendships first, a lot of times The friendship disagreements may come out of left field for kids, but this is why we have this topic, to let them know that disagreements are normal. They happen with even the best of friends and the closest of people in romantic relationships. And how can we navigate those disagreements in ways that it's could even make people stronger, their relationship stronger. Now, the basis for dealing with a disagreement in a productive way is knowing that you should have respect Right. Talk to people in a respectful manner, make sure that you are listening to them right and hearing what their needs are, what their goals are, why that might be in conflict with your own, and really being having empathy for them, right? Because when we are only thinking of ourselves and how we feel, it's often very easy to just stay stuck in your particular thought pattern about an issue, and if you're actually listening to the other side, you may find that their idea is more equitable, or you may have be able to come up with a compromise. So it is very essential that kids know that disagreements are normal, and then strategies for navigating it. So getting into the friendships, right? They everything was good. They got along fine. And then they realized they have a disagreement about something. Now, sometimes the disagreement is just about relationships that, sorry, not relationships. Sometimes the disagreement is just about personality, right? Certain people have a personality where they're outgoing or they're more assertive or even aggressive about things, and they're going to push the envelope, and someone else is more shy. They don't want people to bring things up. They want to just keep the peace. And sometimes in a disagreement is about how someone handled something. And you know, of course, in order to get to agreeing to disagree, you have to see things from their perspective. If someone's more aggressive or assertive, and they're not going to just be quiet and just push things under the rug. Is it fair to be mad at them because they did that? And that's not your personality. Your personality is to keep things quiet and to just kind of get along. So those are things that kids need to be noticing about their friends, what their personality is like. And a lot of times you could. Avoid certain disagreements and falling out. So, you know, sometimes you know people are like we needed to tell someone you know about whatever the situation is. I needed to tell this person. I needed to get you help contact authorities and people could be very upset and disagree with that. However, it's very important to note that if you are helping your child to notice what their friend's personality is like, right? This person is not going to keep a secret. This person is not going to be quiet about this. They're not going to be able to sweep it under the rug. Then you need to know not to tell that person and to love that friend for who they are, but do not punish them because they're just being themselves, right, expecting them to be against their own nature. So that's very important. So as teens get into issues and problems, they may want to keep things quiet and personal and not tell anyone, but they may have a friend who's like, Nope, I'm speaking up. I'm going to go forward with it. And you know, a lot of times that friend is very upset with him, and maybe that that fractures the friendship in a way that they don't want to talk to them again or want to be around them anymore. But again, if you had known right that your friend is not going to stay quiet about this, you know what they are, what they're like, based on their other other situations, then you wouldn't put them in an uncomfortable situation, right? And that's just how it is. Some of our friends are great to hang out with, have a good time with, but when it comes down to doing a project or, you know, doing things on time and staying staying dedicated to something the way they're supposed to, they're not the right person. And so again, instead of trying to make them do something that is not in their personality and their nature, and being mad about that for them is really saying, Well, I'm going to work with this other person, right? But this person could be a part of it, maybe when there's a launch for this event, or whatever it is that you want to pursue, that they're there to be the life of the party, to, you know, greet people. They could be involved in other ways, but to give them a lot of responsibility when we know from just watching them and interacting with them that they're not ready and they probably aren't going to follow through. You know, don't put yourself in that situation with your friend. So it has to do with some wisdom about you know who they are as a person, and then you know really making sure that you're looking at things from their point of view and being empathetic with them, right? So very important with your friends, and knowing that sometimes you just get down to it and you're going to agree to disagree, right? You're never going to agree with people on everything, all right, especially if you have an authentic friendship. Authentic friendships are when you tell each other the truth, that you do have disagreement, that sometimes you get upset with each other because everything is you're real with each other. You're not just saying yes and laughing when things aren't funny to you or disagreeing with them. You know you're being real. So now let's get into those educator, mentor, coach relationships, where you have a disagreement with that person that's in an authority. Now this is a different set of skills, right? We are starting with the basis that we are going to show respect for someone. Obviously, they are in an area of authority, and you, again, don't want to burn that bridge. Just like you want to keep your friendship intact, you want to keep this relationship with this person who is supporting you as a teacher, as a coach, or some other, some other role that is similar to that, so you want to respectfully have a conversation with them about something that you disagree about. Please note it is not the right time to have this conversation with everyone else present in the middle of class, and so a lot of times kids end up burning a bridge or really causing problems because they disagree with something and they want to argue the point in front of everyone in the class, everyone on the team, everyone during the middle of a session, right? So it takes some wisdom to say to yourself, you know, I disagree with this, and I am going to talk to my coach, my teacher, whatever, after class. Class before class, write them an email or go to their office hours. You know, whatever it is when it could be more of a one on one, you set up yourself for failure in this disagreement, when it's more of a power struggle, right? I'm going to stop class and tell everyone I don't agree with this, and this is what we should do instead. And why are we doing this right when you can just say, you know, note to yourself why it doesn't work for you, why you disagree with it, and talk to them about this one on one, so that your professor or teacher or whoever is in charge is not feeling like there's a big power struggle going on in the middle of class, they're less likely to be open to your opinion and your ideas when they're in the middle of, you know, supervising and overseeing a group of people. So that is very important, and that is respect, you know stopping the class to argue your point is wasting everyone's time, and you know you also have to be like kids really have to be ready when they are in a disagreement that they may lose. Like being in the disagreement doesn't mean that you are going to be respectful and that you're going to listen and you're gonna have empathy and you're gonna still get your way? It doesn't necessarily mean that. And even, like I said earlier, if you are actually being empathetic and listening to the other side, you may understand why it is best for you to do things or to follow a set of steps according to the person you originally disagreed with, right? Some things are difficult. You don't feel like doing it, but it is what needs to be done under the circumstances, and actually listening and actually thinking about other people's positionality, how they're related to the problem, how it's harmful for them, even though it may not be harmful for you. And your positionality is really important, and it will help you to come to some compromises and really see why another issue, another person's viewpoint, is going to be the one that should prevail in certain cases. So very important, it's not always going to work out in your favor, but you are embracing the fact that you're not always right, and that other people have feelings and perspectives and experiences that you need to listen to. So be open to changing your viewpoint, right or even compromising this is essentially important. And then we're going to get into, right after our messages, how we get into doing this in a more productive way, and moving forward, even when we can't get our way. 75% of children don't know how to write well. Add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story? If your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook. We tend to make sure that parents know what to do, that educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better, but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to fallingforlearning.com today to purchase your set now that we know an appropriate time to bring up a conflict or something that we disagree with when it comes to a person of authority, we now need to think about, how do we do this right? So obviously, talking to them, the way that you talk to your friends is not the right way. You may put it in writing. You may prepare what you're going to say ahead of time. You could email it to them. You could actually write a letter, you know, make an appointment with them, and talk about why you are in a dis in disagreement with something. Now, the disagreements could be like the actual policies that they have they're already printed on their syllabi, or something like that, on their syllabus that says, This is how something is happening, and this is, you know, you know why they're doing it. And again, you could be in disagreement with it. There are, of course, teachers that have outdated policies or policies that are more biased towards other populations of students, and they may or may not realize. That so talking to them at length about and giving real reasons and examples as to why you feel like whatever their policy is, for example, if they accept no late work again, be prepared. They may not change this policy just because you want it to be changed. Sometimes, right, we need to check our our reasonings behind things right? Do you not want late work for yourself because you are disorganized and a procrastinator? Or do you have valid reasons why you need extended time, and of course, sometimes you need to go to another source of support to get what you need. For example, do you have an individualized education plan, an IEP that you have, maybe in high school, or something like that, that extends into college and you want to talk to them about getting extended time because of your disability or because of your special need, and so that is a way to get that. They're not going to change the policy, but they may make an exception for you based on your individualized education plan. So again, it's important to think about when it's just a personal issue, and how to get movement on that disagreement when there's a personal issue, and then whether or not you're advocating for other people, or you as a group of people are advocating. Now, if it's a group of people that you're that are advocating for a policy change, for example, let's say all of your reports in an English class have to be on once a teacher wants it to be on. And maybe you want to advocate for there being a topic of your choice, but we still need to do the report, but it'll be on a topic of our choice. You and two or three people can, you know, come and talk to the professor or the teacher together about this, and again, make sure that you're being respectful when you do it. Make sure that you are presenting yourself in a business way. You're taking it seriously, and they could take you seriously too. So in this case, of course, you want to use more standard English, or, you know, the academic English, or the language of the discipline, wherever you are, referring to, whatever context it is in. And you could, if you feel like it's necessary, go to higher steps when it comes to a coach or a teacher not listening to you. And you know that could be the case. Now, I have had some family members who told me that they were in college, for example, and someone told them they like braided their hair into a mohawk, and the professor was like, You need to leave the class. Your hair is a distraction. So obviously, that's an outdated policy, right? And so you probably through different laws or policies for the institution, like in California, we have the crown act, you are not able to discriminate against someone because of their hairstyle, and so knowing your rights is important. Researching those rights before you meet with this person that's in authority is also important. Now you want to stay away from named calling, putting people down, and that's the same thing that would you would be in a friend, but obviously it has larger implications, right? If it's your boss, for example, you can get fired from your job, or you can even get kicked out of universities if you're cursing out a professor or something like that. So you really have to think about how you're going to deal with disagreements, as if it's a business situation, because it really is. It could make or break you if you don't know how to deal with disagreements in a productive way, but you do have rights, and you can advocate for yourself. And helping your child do that is so important, and even having a really a role play with them sometimes is going to help them to stay calm in the situation, because people in authority sometimes say things that they shouldn't say, because they are the people who are in control. So they may make a little offhand remark or comment because they may not be professionals, just because you are being that. And so help them to be aware of that and be prepared for it, because it happens. So let's think about disagreements that people may have in different the kids may have in different places. They may be at a store, and it's very true. Let's just be honest that when kids are young, they face some type of bias as well. If a group of them go to a restaurant, sometimes people discriminate against them just because they're a group of cool. You know, rowdy kids who are young, right? An adult group, maybe rowdy, but not get the same type of treatment as young adults, because they're like, well, they may not pay for it, for the food, right? Maybe they may dine in Dash. Maybe they will not tip anyway. So there's like, a lot of like stereotypes or even bad experiences that people have had, and that may come out to teens in a negative way, where people disrespect them as patrons or customers in a place. And so they need to, again, think about how to present their argument in a business like manner and discuss why they feel like they're not being treated fairly, the things that they said, the things that the other person did or did not do, right? Because sometimes a server may not come back and help them and fill up their water or whatever for a long time because they don't think they're that important. And you know, they may be discriminating against them because they've had really negative experiences with young groups of kids dining together. So you need to be aware of that. And you know, again, you can write letters to the manager. You could put on a Yelp review. There's a lot of things that you could do to let them know that you expect to be treated with respect, and of course, on you and your friends, obviously, you know teaching them how to to be good patrons and to be customers that are. You know that that there's a mutual exchange of respect, right? You are respectful to the server and the different people you are, you know, operating within the norms of what's regular in a restaurant or, you know, a dining establishment, and in them, in turn, if they're not giving you that respect based on someone else's actions in the past, then you can discuss that and point it out that we didn't do anything. We ordered our food. We were respectful. And again, you could prevail in this case, but again, you may not again be aware of that. And of course, you could go to a higher authority when needed. You may find that you don't need to do that if you're able to navigate these conversations in a productive manner and and articulate your challenges and your issues you want to get away from just repeating the same thing, whatever, whoever you might be in a disagreement with. That's not fair. That's not fair. Well, elaborate. Say that I wasn't able to do this. I didn't have enough time for this because of this. You know, you posted this assignment later than usual, and so I wasn't able to get it so really concrete, clear evidence and ideas as to why your position makes sense and to defend your position. And then again, listen to the other person's viewpoint, and you may be able to make a compromise, but again, if you're just repeating the same thing, shutting down in a disagreement, then you are often not going to prevail and maybe even burn up an opportunity or a relationship that you really valued, but because in the moment it escalated and you were upset, you aren't able to keep that positivity going, or that relationship or that opportunity. So preparing kids for disagreements is so important because, again, it can make or break their future endeavors right, or make it so much harder for them to do what they want to do when they are severing relationships, because they are not able to handle disagreements in a business like fashion or an appropriate fashion now, with disagreements, you know, sometimes it's not simply a disagreement. You actually get very upset and mad. And so if you feel like and help your kid with this, if they're feeling like they're not able to get over the anger at that moment in time, then they may want to revisit this conversation, this negotiation, this exchange at a different time, because you know, when you aren't in the best head space, you can escalate an issue. You can make it worse than it actually is. You can blow up a situation into much bigger problem than it actually is, because you may not be thinking straight. So revisiting it for later is very important, and it's an option tell people I will have to talk about this later. I'm just too upset right now and and do that, walk away. Don't linger in the moment. Leave if you're feeling like you need to say that, and if anyone else says anything after that. If whatever, Don't say another word, leave. Because, of course, you can, you know, say things that you'll regret later and really cause major problems, long term problems, from for yourself, if you are not careful. So if you see it getting to that point where you just can't communicate and come to an agreement to disagree, then say, I need to walk away. I can't, I can't have this conversation right now and actually leave. Actually leave. And if, for example, you can't leave, then maybe you'll say, I am done with this conversation for now and actually stop talking and just zone out everyone else you know, don't let someone rile rile you up more than you already are. Because things, if you're not able to leave people probably will say more that make you upset, but you have to be clear, like, I'm not going to say anything else, because this is not productive for me at this point, and that's a very mature way to handle it, even when you can't leave and just say, you know, just tread all the way down in those cases. But you communicate it why, and you're doing what's called self preservation and helping your kid to understand that is very important, and something that that you can show them yourself exercising, and they can practice exercising that as well. So with when it comes to disagreements, they are a normal part of life. We live in a culture where free to disagree, and it is actually healthy to communicate your disagreements and your thoughts and what works for you and what doesn't work for you. It's very healthy and mature. The way that you communicate these ideas and is very important, and helping your kid to navigate that is very important as well. Now, of course, during the teen years is very tumultuous, so you can do a lot as a parent to help advocate to your child right about how to deal with their disagreements and when they have a dispute with someone, and you probably will have a lot of hands on experience with this, because this is the time when parents and kids do not agree with each other, with about a lot of things, right? Kids want to be more independent than parents are wanting them to be. And again, helping them to articulate why they feel like they deserve to have more independence. Are they able to do certain things that you aren't feeling like they're ready for? Is a good teaching experience. And you know, championing right, championing their their individuality and their voice, is going to help solidify your relationship, make you stronger and help them to prepare for the future, because disagreements are going to happen for the rest of their lives. We are so glad that you joined us today and make sure that you are doing something that your future adult children will thank you for Thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast, new episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com/fallingforlearning or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit, falling in love with learning.com we really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week. Bye.