Dating & Romantic Relationships: for Parents of Teens

TD Flenaugh discusses the importance of parents guiding their teenagers on dating and relationships. She emphasizes that children will receive advice from someone, either from trusted adults or peers, and stresses the need for parents to be that source. Flenaugh highlights the dangers of not being involved, such as children seeking advice from untrustworthy sources and engaging in risky behaviors. She advises parents to focus on qualities like responsibility and trustworthiness rather than just looks. Additionally, she addresses issues like nude selfies, extortion, and the long-term impact of online presence, urging open communication to prevent negative outcomes.

Links to resources 

Purchase the books The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method and The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method Workbook by TD Flenaugh to help children improve their writing skills

Get Rooted in Joy by Deonna Smith

Register for the With Different Eyes Conference hosted by the UCLA Writing Project! 

https://www.thenation.com/article/society/teens-send-nudes/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6650829/

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:03

Your baby dating, being involved in romantic relationships, this is scary, and it, serious, and let's talk about it. Stay tuned for this episode. You don't want to miss it. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the Falling for Learning Podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success.

Unknown: 0:39

Okay, so we're going to be talking about dating with teens relationships. Now, this

TD Flenaugh: 0:46

can be very controversial, because some people think that you know, by talking about dating and getting into the details and talking about it with kids, that we're focusing on it, or we are ushering, ushering in problems. But the truth is, is that kids are going to get guidance about dating. Are they going to get that guidance from you? Are they going to get it from their young and dumb friends? Do Yes, let's just read. Let's just be real about it. You may act like you don't want to talk about it, but somebody out there will talk to them about it, and they may be giving advice that you do not want them to hear, that you don't want them to listen to, but that is actually the position that we put our kids in when we decide that we want them to focus in on school and not focus in on whoever they're romantically interested in, right? So give your children some guidance. Give them some guidance, because whether we like it or not, they're going to be involved with a romantic partner or something like that in the very near future, maybe already. We don't even know if we didn't open up this conversation or, you know, at some point in their lives. Okay, so what advice can we give them, and how can we really shape them for the advantage? This podcast is all about giving kids the advantage, setting our kids up for success. And there are ways to set our kids up for success when it comes to relationships, and there are ways that we could set them up for failure, and we don't want to do that, but we do do it. Okay, let me give a little sip of my tea, because guess what? This is heavy. Now I just want to share with you if you have not been watching my show, or maybe just reminding you that fourth generation I am from a fourth generation teen parent, you know, like we are generationally, you know, becoming teen parents. And I was really looking at that and analyzing that over the years myself as well a teen parent. It really comes from us not giving guidance. So we really emphasize, you know, school or all those things, and don't worry about a boyfriend. Boys aren't interested, you know, aren't important, whatever those problems are, right? And the truth is, like I said, you were getting advice from your parent me and from your friends. When you not getting them from your trusted adults, right? You make yourself a person that they're not going to come to and get advice from when you tell them not to worry about it. It's not important. Don't worry about boys. You don't date. That's not important. It becomes really central. And kids sneak into they sneak into back seats. They sneak into just really compromising places. I've even heard of them underneath some bungalows. It was rumored that some kids were underneath some bungalows doing things they shouldn't be doing, um, bungalows or like, mobile classrooms or something like that. So they are sneaking into places they shouldn't be. And when we have this as a topic that's normal, that is normalized, that is part of our regular lives, kids can think about it in a more objective way, and they're open. Into hearing your ideas and your information about how they could set themselves up for success when it comes to relationships and dating. Now, of course, you can have, you know, meet the kids, right? Because when you write yourself out of the equation by telling them, No, that's not important. You're not a you know, that's not, you know, that's not what you need to be worried about. You need to be worried about school. You need to be worried about this. You set yourself up again not to be a part of the conversation, and you don't even maybe meet the person that they're involved with, and as a result of you not meeting them, you could be seeing some red flags. And again, you cannot necessarily just tell them this person to avoid, stay away from them. But again, you are part of the information, right? You're getting information about that person. You're able to say, Oh, that's good. Oh, that's troubling. You know, just leave it. You're in the dark, right? You're in the dark about it. You don't know who they're dating. You don't know who they're navigating towards. So have conversations about who they should be dating, someone who's doing well in school, someone who's responsible, someone who gets along with others, who's very helpful, right? And you are also pointing out things about them that make them a catch, that make them valuable. And it's not just about looks. Please don't get caught up in just focusing in on your child's looks, because when we do that again, we set them up for failure. There's always someone who's going to be cuter, have nicer hair, have nicer whatever it is that you are pointing out to them. And of course, looks fade. Things can happen, you know, with teenagers, even right their skin may go through this whole big issue with acne and all kind of stuff. Even sometimes they go through weird changes as they are in the puberty stages. Right their nose gets bigger. They're, you know, they're just like a little awkward part to them and and so don't focus in on the looks for them. Focus in on qualities that make a great partner, that make a person that you could work with, things that couples should be doing together, right? So make that person a part of the family, meaning we're having a family dinner. This person could come. We are having, you know, everyone's going to be over for the game. They can come so that you can kind of supervise what's happening, right? And then they could go home at a decent time. So if you have never allowed them to come over and meet them, then they're going to sneak out to go see them, you know. And don't think it won't happen to your baby. Expect that it may happen, and then prepare by inviting this person into the family as a regular person, so they're less likely to be sneaking around to see each other when they've already been able to be together during that Sunday or Saturday for the game. So and then they could go home at a decent time, right? And again, you being nice to them, you getting to know them. Have a talk, conversation with them again, helps them to see and appreciate your advice when it comes to this person. So our friends don't know more than we do when we're teenagers, right? And if they're the only source of information, your child is definitely going to be led astray. So you really want, again, to keep those lines of communication open by making this person a normal part of your life, and having the expectation that you will be meeting them and they will be coming over and involved in some of the family activities, that should be the expectation, not that they have the secret boyfriend or girlfriend that no one knows about. And again, you can't even give them advice because you don't even know what they're dealing with. And of course, we're going to get into some big problems that happen when we're in the dark. When it comes to relationships, the United States, 75% of children don't know how to write. Well, add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story if your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook. We tend to make sure that parents know what to do. That educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better, but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to falling for learning.com today to purchase your set. Are you a parent or caregiver that is passionate about your students learning journey. Okay, so it doesn't matter if you're a homeschool parent or you're just an active participant in your child's education. I am advocating for you to get rooted and joy by Dr Diana Smith. Now this book really helps you in guiding how to cultivate a love for learning, how to foster emotional growth, how to have personalized learning experiences with your child. And really, all of it is grounded in the ability to make children fall in love with learning, just like our falling for learning podcast really is about now. Grab your book today. The link is in the show notes. So let's get into it. Some really big problems that will occur. We are not part of the conversation. We're not a trusted source of information when it comes to dating. Is that kids can be getting taken advantage of. So one of my colleagues that I work with was telling me that she had a niece that lived with her, and she was obviously involved with some guy. She never met the guy because whenever he came, he honked and then she ran outside. The next thing that happened was, you know, she'd be gone for hours into the middle of the night, she would come back go straight to the kitchen to get some food. So clearly he had not included food in their activities. So whatever they were doing, he was very disrespectful. Right, honking. And then she runs out, not getting her any food. And she really scolded her niece, like, you are worth more than this, if he's spending all this time with you, he should be able to pay for some food for you. And again, we know the kids are young. They don't have to spend hundreds and 1000s of dollars on them, but they could even make them a sandwich, if they're at home, right? If I'm at your house, you're at my house, give me a sandwich. Give me some tea, some cookies, whatever, you know. So I'm not running in the middle of the night back home to get some food because I'm so hungry after I spent all this time with you. Yeah. So, you know, we and that's what happens when we're not part of the conversation. Just common sense. Again, it's not common for teenagers. And I just want to be clear, you know, there's a lot of teenagers are very smart and intelligent, but that doesn't mean that they know how to navigate all different avenues of their life, namely, dating right? When they really like someone, someone really turns their head, they might just be accepting whatever this person gives, right? And that's not, that's not right. You know, they shouldn't be just taking whatever they give. They need to be looking out for certain qualities. And again, if you're not part of that conversation, you're not able to gently tell them about qualities that they should have, how they should handle a situation. And as you're helping them, you're also, you know, helping them what to look out for that person, also telling them how they should be towards that person, carry them out if they have a an argument, you know, don't just cut them off, listen to them and then make sure that this goes for your standards, right? Have standards the person's going to take you to activities. So there are lots of free museum days, so kids can hang out at a museum. There's very cheap movie nights. So it doesn't have to be a lot of money, but getting out and about, spending time in a park together, having a picnic, you know, or whatever, at a park, very cheap, but quality time that you could spend with each other and listen to what those persons goals are, And are they following up on those goals? Are they just having big dreams? I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that. They don't even go to class, right? I'm gonna go to this college. I'm gonna become a rapper. I'm gonna become this. Are they rapping? Are they actually going towards their goals, or are they just a big talker? Because a lot of people are, they'll juice up our kids. Oh, I love you, the most beautiful person in the world, blah, blah, blah, but they won't even want to spend time with them. They lied to them. They don't show up for them, and those are things that they need to be looking out for. And on the other hand, their kid, your kid, of course, should be showing up for this person. If they have a show, they're trying to become a rapper or something, show up to their show. You know. Know, cheer them on, give them encouraging words, just like you would want. So you're teaching them how to navigate a relationship. And then sometimes, when things need to move on, they need to move on, right? And helping them to understand that that person is just a part of their life, and it's not everything. Because we know kids get really serious, and that be that person becomes everything to them. And when that person is no longer part of their life, they may get into serious health, mental health issues. Maybe they want to end their life, hurt themselves, whatever, but making sure our children are supported by us, and we have built them up as individuals, so that someone else doesn't become everything for them. It's really important, right? And then I do want to say, and I always say this, I'm always going to take it back to this. As parents, we are the blueprint. Now, if you're like, Ooh, I don't like, what happens happening in my relationship, or what right now? So I don't want to be the blueprint. Then we need to get it together. Our kids are watching us. They're soaking in our attitudes, our mindsets, our mannerisms. And you see it. You see your kids doing exactly what you do, bringing up conversations, pointing out things that you bring up, you see it, and that's the same thing they'll do with relationships. So if you're in a destructive or abusive relationship, of course, they are very likely to be in the same type of relationship. They are very likely to normalize that being treated that way. And so you need to really consider what your kid sees when they see you, and again, pointing out healthy and positive relationships, pointing out when people have done things that are just deal breakers, it doesn't make any sense. It's not what's going to happen. Now, I do need to address some foolishness going on in the internet. There are people out there who are like, Oh no, if he's if he's not going to take me to a five star restaurant or whatever it is, right? I'm not going to get out the car, you know? And that is foolishness. Now, many of us have met fantastic partners when we were both broke. Now, again, we're looking at their personal qualities, their personality. We're also looking at their actions. Are they actually putting in the work to do the things that they say they're going to do? Are they on a plan and executing that plan? Now, of course, if they are stagnant, not doing the things they say they're going to do, then that's not a good person you want to be with, you know. So all those things are important. So just saying, you know, you're 17 and you're not going to date anyone who's going to take you to Red Lobster or or something like that, because, you know, that's not that's low brow or whatever is foolishness it is, because if that's the only measure, then you're missing out on a lot of things. And again, our kids are getting advice from the internet, and they are neglecting to see the other types of qualities that they need to be looking for, and a partner just seeing how much money they make, or where they're how much money they're going to spend on you is not the only measure. There's personality, there is trustworthiness, right? All those things we have seen some of the most beautiful people in the world get kicked around, beat up, cheated on, all of those things. So if we're just using money as one measure, like, you know, their boyfriend, husband, whoever is rich, and there's no other type of qualifications, we're going to fall short. Our kids are going to suffer if having a beautiful girl or very handsome man or boy is the only qualification. Again, we're going to fall short. And if we're only grooming our children to be beautiful someone to be gazed upon, again, we're going to fall short. So we need to make sure they come up with qualities that they enjoy in a partner, standards that they have when it comes to dating and relationships that are not just about money. Of course, money is important, but again, at a young age, the potential to make money and their qualities and personalities that are responsible, that are honest are really going to go a long way in actually helping them achieve whatever plans they say they want to achieve as a kid as an adult, right? So we really have to consider that, and we can't just be focused in on these surface level things, because it goes much deeper than that. So. And parents don't pat yourself out of the conversation. Now, another thing we want to talk about is instincts. Now we know that people get injured date rapes, all these kind of things from people that they're dating, and it starts in middle school, or even, you know, as early as middle school, of course, could happen in high school, so they need to really key in on certain things that, you know, predators do, or people who prey upon people do. And it starts very small. They might just make an off, you know, comment about your hair, or about, you know, your butt is too big, or you gain a little weight or something, it goes in all the way into people killing one another. It escalates, right? And, of course, you know, people have disagreements, and then also teaching them how to get into the, you know, deal with those disagreements in a healthy way. And we talked about a little bit earlier, but we'll go into it more, but we want to talk about that extreme issue when kids are subjecting themselves to, you know, partner abuse, and it could happen with boys, right? Boys can be abused just like girls can, and really recognizing those signs, I so you know, it's really a hard topic, but we really have to talk to our kids about that. So it is ideal to talk to our kids about this before they get involved in relationships. But again, we don't know when they'll get involved for relationships. So again, having this kind of running dialog where they're talking about romantic relationships, what to look for, what to look out for, right? There are women who have been, you know, killed or whatever, based on, you know, someone that they decided to date or to spend some time with. And I really want you to be clear with kids about what to look out for right, things that they say or do not going out on a date. Again, when our kids are young, a lot of them are just dating someone that they met at school. So it's kind of very much easy. But again, they could have kids we as we know, unfortunately, kids are we have serial killers, you know, at the schools as well, you know, but you know, when they meet someone new, like meeting in a public place, making sure maybe they're not giving their specific address, they're not giving their password, all those kind of things, so that they have some bit of privacy again, letting you know when other people know where they are, putting the location on the phone, so that they are safe. Someone could be nearby, and that may be a way you want to start with your child dating like they're all They're at the movies, and then you're in the back at the movies, or you're at in the movie next door, so that you are very much sheltering your kid, but also providing some guidance and independence at the same time. So the final, like, one of the final things that we want to talk about is coming right up about, you know, in involves our safety. So right after these sponsors, the UCLA writing project invites you to an event that will transform how we teach and support multilingual, multicultural students, newcomers and speakers of African and American English and indigenous languages. The theme this year is the power of words, the strength of story. Keynote speaker is Joseph Velasco, and he's an acclaimed storyteller who is a theater artist and high school English teacher. He'll kick off the day really talking about how to help students find their voice. He has a rich background in theater arts and ethnic studies. Joseph brings his unique perspective on how words and stories empower students to find their voice and their lived experiences. There will be workshops with a social justice focus. Throughout the day, you'll participate in workshops that explore writing as a tool for social justice, addressing critical issues related to race, gender and media. In addition to that, I will be one of the presenters there, and I will also be doing a book signing and selling books there, if you haven't got your copy of the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook, or if you need to re up because you finished up that workbook with one of your students, and another child is coming up. So don't miss TD. Flena is going to be there at the conference the with different eyes. Conference. It is a wonderful conference to help support multilingual and multicultural students. Don't miss it. Multicultural students, newcomers and. Speakers of African American English and indigenous languages. The theme this year is the power of words, the strength of story. Our keynote speaker is Joseph Velasco, and he's an acclaimed storyteller who is a theater artist and high school English teacher. He'll kick off the day really talking about how to help students find their voice. He has a rich background in theater arts and ethnic studies. Joseph brings his unique perspective on how words and stories empower students to find their voice and their lived experiences. Don't miss this chance to learn from his incredible journey of using the arts to engage youth and unlock their potential, there will be workshops with a social justice focus, and throughout the day, you'll participate in workshops that explore writing as a tool for social justice, addressing critical issues related to race, Gender and media, discover how writing can become a powerful means for students across grade levels and content areas to advocate for change in equity. In addition to that, I will be one of the presenters there, and I will also be doing a book signing and selling books there. So if you haven't got your copy of the rewrite method in the rewrite method workbook, or if you need to re up because you finished up that workbook with one of your students and another child is coming up, or another iteration is actually coming in, 2025 as well. So don't miss TD. Flena is going to be there at the conference the with different eyes. Conference. It is a wonderful conference to help support multilingual and multicultural students. Don't miss it. Okay? So one of the things we really want to talk about, and has been really changing over the years, is that, you know, boys and girls have been pressured to show, you know, do like nude selfies and stuff like that. And so there's gonna be a couple of articles and things like that. I will put in the show notes about this, and really to inform our kids, because they have really been leveraging those nude photos later on, right? If we're so in love, and I'm showing you nude photos, of course, you have those nude photos when we're no longer in love, and sometimes you're not in the person's not in love at all. They're just on a bet. Some of them are in a competition to see how many nude selfies they could get so they may game up your child and talk about how beautiful they are and how much they want to see their body, and then they get the picture, and then they are able to show it to their friends, like this is my 20th nude selfie, right? The other thing if your child is on the receiving end of those nude selfies. They could also, depending on where you are and the laws in your area, be on the hook for child pornography, if you all are, if they're under age, and they're especially distributing that picture of the people, they could be in trouble. So again, it's very important we talk about these things with kids ahead of time. A third thing that happens with these nude selfies is that people also get, you know, extort kids. So, you know, college kids, young kids, they're like, if you don't send me this money if you don't do this. I'm going to share these nude photos with your mom, your grandma, your cousins, your aunties, whoever, right. And some kids have even died by suicide because of this pressure of these nude selfies or whatever, so again, let them know, no matter how much they love this person, that those pictures can later on, come back to haunt them, and once it's out, it's Very, very, very difficult to close that door on that so it's not out there. Now, some people have changed their idea about these nude selfies, or even nude videos, sex videos, because some people have become stars because of them, they have been able to make a lot of money, and, you know, leverage that in a way in which they make money. So you do want to talk to your kids about this, like not everybody is making a lot of money from these sex tapes or able to leverage it into a an empire. It happens for some people. Course, but it didn't happen for a lot of people, and so they need to know that the chances of that happening are very slim, and in the meantime, what they could lose is quite a bit, right? We know that your online presence is, you know, audited, you know looked at and analyzed by many people that you may want a job for. People have even gotten their college entrance there it to be rescinded, right? They're like, we don't we no longer want you. You're a lot of problems. You are on the internet in unsafe, unhealthy and embarrassing ways for our university, and we don't want you here anymore. So really ruining their lives when they have just they're just trying to get things started. So is it worth it? And if they're in a trusting relationship, that person can deal and continue to deal with them without the nude selfie, right? So what I didn't get into, and I'm not going to get into in this episode, is about, you know, advocating for your child in, you know, abstinence or whatever. That's a personal conversation you have with your kids. But I do want to say whatever way you fall on this spectrum with your child, your your daughter, your son, um, make yourself communicate with them in a way that helps them to for you to be a part of The conversation. Because, again, if you don't do what you're supposed to do to keep the communication open, you won't be part of the conversation, and they're going to be making they're going to be making decisions based on what they're young and dumb friends. So, you know, give them for advice, and you won't even know when, where or how they're going to be involved sexually, and because they'll just you're not a source, right? You have treated them in a way, or talked to them in a way, and have ignored their needs or their questions in a way that you're not a place and or a person that they go to for advice. So if you set yourself up like that, your kids will be out doing things that you don't know, when you'll get the surprise call right that you are an early grandmother or something like that happened in my family several times. It's not the end of the world, but of course, there's things that we can do to prevent it, to help support them, and help make sure that they feel loved and cared for, and they're solid on their own, so that they are making informed decisions, decisions that are under that are part that you're part of the conversation, and not just someone who is thinking about how cool it is, or doesn't even have The depth of experience to give advice on Okay, so again, thanks so much for joining us and make sure that you do something today, that your future adult kids will thank you for thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast, new episodes go live Every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com, at falling for learning, or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit falling in love with learning.com. We really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week. Bye.