STOP Letting Rejection Keep Your Kids from Success | Episode 68

Purchase the books "The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method" and "The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method Workbook" by TD Flenaugh to help children improve their writing skills.

Get Rooted in Joy by Deonna Smith

Register for the "With Different Eyes" Conference hosted by the UCLA Writing Project, where TD Flenaugh will be a presenter and host a book signing.

TD Flenaugh discusses the importance of teaching children to write and express themselves, emphasizing the Rewrite Method and Workbook. The podcast episode focuses on helping children handle rejection, a crucial life skill. Flenaugh shares her personal journey of overcoming physical therapy challenges and embracing imperfection. She highlights the need for parents to compliment children on their personality and individuality rather than just looks. The conversation covers different types of rejection, including from friends and romantic interests, and stresses the importance of modeling healthy relationships and resilience. Flenaugh advocates for open discussions about rejection to prepare children for life's challenges.

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:03

All over the United States, 75% of children don't know how to write. Well, add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story? If your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook. We tend to make sure that parents know what to do, that educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better, but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to fallingforlearning.com today to purchase your set rejection. That is one of the hardest things that we have to see our kids go through. It's one of the hardest things that we have to learn to deal with ourselves, and this episode today is all about how to help our kids to bounce back from rejection and to be really resilient, because it is a part of life. You're not going to want to miss it. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the Falling for Learning Podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Today, we're going to talk about rejection, but before we get into that, let's talk a little bit about what's happening in TDs world. No, anyway, I just came back from physical therapy. If you've been following my YouTube, and I'll put a link there about how I've been working out 90 days. When I started my first 90 days, I got into a car accident. I was unable to run so I don't have huge progress the way I want, but I'm having huge success and being consistent. So I have 90 days that I walked every day, 30 minutes a day, Monday through Friday, and then on the weekend, did an hour. And so I finally got into physical therapy, and then hopefully I could start running and lifting weights and doing all those wonderful things that I want to do to really dedicate myself to being healthy. I am on an abundance cleanse now, which includes more than just walking and and that I have to up my game from 30 minutes to 45 minutes daily, and so all the things that are spinning in the air I am going forward with doing my podcast, sometimes ugly, sometimes at the last minute, and I'm working more hours than I have before. And then on top of that, have meetings at least one a day after work. So really not having the time to do the things I want to do for the podcast until it's actually Saturday. Of course, there's some systems I need to put in my in place, but rest is also important. So all those things to say, and I've also been having these, you know, skin issues, so there's some discoloration here. It's also on my neck, some on the side, just kind of everywhere. So anyway, I'm doing my podcast. I'm not wearing any I don't wear makeup anyway, but I was wearing some, like, tinted foundation, but I have all these little bumps on my face, and I'm like, I'm not doing this. So anyway, this kind of has to do with rejection, because, you know, we often reject that notion, like I'm not coming out unless I'm perfect, and I am a recovering perfectionist. So that is what it is. But I am, you know, stepping out into my correct courage. And, you know, it's not about, you know, looking that perfect way, having my hair the perfect way, or whatever, right? And I meant the aging process, full, full, you know, full of force. So here we are. So I'm glad you've joined us, and let's get into rejection for our kids. It really breaks our hearts when our kids are rejected, but it's important to understand how integral it is to so many successful peoples your you as a successful parent, your journey, right? So rejection is a natural part of life, and it's not something that we need to run from or that we need to really shy away from, because it's part of life. We need to embrace it. We need to help our kids to embrace it and to be resilient, to fight back against it when it happens, right? It is important. If you hear my printer going. Saying maybe you do because I printed something before I began, and that's okay. I'm going to embrace all these sounds or whatever, and I'm pushing forward getting the podcast done, and I hope that you are pushing forward whenever things happen, and rejection is one of those things that happen that maybe stop us and going forward with our lives, or going forward with our dreams and our goals, but the ability to handle rejection and to move forward despite rejection is the difference between our children making it to their goals and them not making it towards our goals. So if rejection is this big, huge thing that they're going to stop, they're not going to continue. They can't deal, they can't feel the negative feelings that come with rejection. Then our kids aren't going to make their dreams come true, because, as we're learning, it is all about failure, and part of failure could be rejection, and so it is so integral to being the person that we want to be in our lives, right? And sometimes the universe or God is giving us the message that this is not the right path for us, and we might be rejected that way, but it leads us to somewhere where we actually need to go. But before we get into even thinking about how we handle rejection, we need to be building that solid foundation for our child and helping them to become just a strong individual and and competent as an individual. So one of the main ways to do this is to compliment them. Now sometimes, and I've done this too, got it wrong by complimenting our children's looks. Ooh, you're beautiful. Pretty eyes, whatever it is, right? But our physical, our physicality, should be like the last thing that we are complimenting. As far as priorities go. Of course, say positive things about what our children look like, but sometimes the problem is that that's the only thing that we're talking about how they look when we really need to talk about them and compliment them on them as an individual, their personality, how much they really get back up when they fall down right that tenacity that they Have, how they have really thoughtful questions, how they're really caring about others, how they're funny, how they're just fun to be around. So those are things that we really need to be leaning in to for our kids and talking about, you know, what makes them unique and special and and how they bring something different than noone else brings to this world, right? So if they decide they don't like a particular movie or a particular food or whatever, instead of rejecting them, right, telling them that that's not okay, that's weird, that's silly, or whatever it is, we said, oh, that's fine. That's your opinion, you're free to have your own choice, and that's what makes you you, and that's what's special about you, right? So if we're not in the practice already of building our kids up as an individual, not based on what they look like, but based on their personality and what they bring to the table, then that's a new practice that we need to integrate, starting today, thinking about what they bring that's positive to the table, and how their individualism is important, and it is refreshing that it is just so much about themselves, and that's what makes them important and special. So they should be able to confidently stand on on who they are as individuals. Well, I just really don't like that, you know, my mom likes it. My dad likes whatever, but that's something I don't like. That's not, you know. So they're really knowing some things that are good about them, and they're okay saying, Well, you know, I'm not the best runner, but I work on running or, you know, so they're not feeling bad about the things that they're not so good at, the things that they don't like, ways that they don't quite fit into the puzzle piece of other people that builds them up as individuals, and that is something that they bring to the table to help them be resilient and Back and bounce back when someone rejects them. So that's so important. Okay, so that brings us to now thinking about the different types of rejections that they may be facing. So first of all, we first get rejected from friends. And this is so important, because, you know, our kids really do fall in love with their friends. They just want to be around them a lot of times. They want to talk to them, you know. And for whatever reason, friends fall out of like or love or whatever they have, falling out. They are growing and changing so much, and sometimes the friendships don't work out. And. And those are conversations that we need to have with our kids, is that sometimes friends or people are in our lives for certain reasons during certain stages, and it's okay that we fall out of touch or we're not hanging out as much anymore. It's okay. It's so important for them to be able to know that they are fine by themselves. They don't need to have a friend that they're good to have, but they don't need them so important, Are you a parent or caregiver that is passionate about your student's learning journey? Okay, so it doesn't matter if you're a homeschool parent or you're just an active participant in your child's education. I am advocating for you to get rooted and joy by Dr Deonna Smith. Now this book really helps you in guiding how to cultivate a love for learning, how to foster emotional growth, how to have personalized learning experiences with your child, and really, all of it is grounded in the ability to make children fall in love with learning, just like our falling for learning podcast really is about now. Grab your book today. The link is in the show notes. As we are talking about friends, we need to make sure that we are modeling for our kids about how to be a good friend, right, so that they also are able to recognize ahead of time, because sometimes our friends are rejecting us along the way, or not really good friends in the first place. But because of that, it whatever that is that that friend has, that they're funny, that they're just relaxing to be around, but they're really cool, or whatever it is that, you know, we really, really are attracted to in that friendship that we are really thinking about, you know, making sure that they are very clear about what good friends are. So good friends are are part of a give and take relationship, not just that they're giving and giving and giving or someone's just taking, taking, taking and so modeling for them what they should be doing as a good friend, modeling for them, what are some good qualities and friends is really important, but then also letting them know your experiences about friends. So I've had plenty of friends, and I'm really, really bad about keeping up with people, but obviously, at some point those friends, we may have talked every day, we may have worked together all these different things about us, and then the change happened, and we're just not the same together anymore. And you know, I really am choosing with my friends, so I rarely have a friend that's really been mean or like snippy or whatever, but just like a naturally falling apart, like growing apart because of changes in life. So some ways that it could manifest where our friends rejecting us, they may not be inviting us to things that they're inviting other people to. They may not be returning our phone calls, and sometimes they are making little snide remarks to us. We might be hanging out together in the same location, but they'll leave us so all those little things are things that kids need to be aware of and pay attention to and not to feel crushed by it. Well, of course, they can't help but feel crushed, but let them know it's just a natural part of life, and then tell them ahead of time things that happen to you and your friendships, so that they will be prepared. Okay, so part of it is just knowing, not that they're totally blindsided, making sure, again, the key is making sure that your child is prepared because they know that friendships come and friendships go, and then what they're doing to be a good friend so that they can maintain the friendships that are quality and are going to be long lasting. That brings us next to having, you know, romantic interest and being rejected. You know, I've definitely been a person as a kid who really rudely rejected boys that I didn't like. Part of it was because I'm sorry. I'm a little embarrassed. Part of it just because sometimes the attention was just so upsetting, like, being a very shy kid and then someone giving you a lot of interest in a very boisterous, loud way made me, like, want to shut them up as soon as possible. And I was just really mean about it, like, I don't like you. You're ugly or whatever. Or so very in a mean way, not thinking about their emotions or whatever. I was just really trying to stop this attention on me. So I've been very mean when I've rejected people, and it's not okay, but your kid might be on the receiving end of that, and it's really important for you to help them understand that I've been on the receiving end of that myself, where, of course, what comes around goes around, where someone was really rejecting me. It really made me reflect on how I've treated people in the past, when they really showed a lot of attention towards me, unwanted attention, and so it's something that they have to deal with, and really with romantic relationships, kids are or people are really looking, ultimately, for someone that's right for them. So that one girl may not be right for them, but they may have several people that like them or whatever, or that they're interested in, but they're finding someone they're compatible with. And of course, as much as you can model healthy relationships, and you know sometimes that does include parents breaking up, right? Staying in a relationship that's not good or healthy or safe, is a way that we could show our kids like, that's not what you have to deal with, and that's not what I'm going to deal with, so that they could understand you also could teach them things about, you know, how to approach someone in a productive way, because I've been cat called and all that kind of stuff, and just really made me uncomfortable and really more likely to reject someone where they could have actually been a great person, but I just couldn't take that attention. I couldn't get past the the yelling or whatever they were doing, um, declaring loudly their love for Me or whatever. I mean, it's just ridiculous. Anyway, it's very uncomfortable talking about it, but your kid is going to be on the side of rejection, and then sometimes they're going to reject others, and so really talk to them about that. But also, again, just like with friendships, talk about those qualities in a partner that you're looking for someone who is going to show up for you, someone who's nice to you. And I'm not talking at all about this, you know, physical kissing, anything like that. I mean, when our kids are really young, we don't want to think about that. But if they're going to be, you know, a healthy relationship, like, they'll get into romantic relationship like this a normal part of life, so not, you know, focusing in on it. And that's sometimes I remember, you know, my husband was like, you focus on it's like, I'm not focusing in on it. But my child will have some romantic relationships. So to ignore that and not talk about it, and not give them a guidance is really, really setting them up for failure and setting them up for heartbreak. They're already going to get their heart broken, but if it's just something they didn't even prepare for, they didn't even think was going to happen, wasn't even on their radar, then we're really setting them up for failure again, modeling it as much as you can. Obviously, if you're not in a relationship, you go point out on TV shows and different things like that, how this is positive, different people in your life, this is positive, this is good. And then when things aren't good and when it should not be something that should you should have to deal with, right? So those are ways to make sure your child is really getting what they need is by giving them some setup, some parameters, some guidance when it comes to onto romantic relationships, and knowing that sometimes you learn things from people, just like with your friends, they're around for a certain amount of time, and then there's a time to move on and so and then again, what can you do to be a good partner for someone else and and then again, you're looking for that in someone so the positive things, and if you're having to make excuses for them or whatever, then maybe it's not the right thing. So it's really important that we talk to our kids and have conversations with them. In my family, it was more like you don't like boys, don't talk to me about that, which left me without guidance, and it may or may not have contributed to the multi generational teenage pregnancies in my family. I don't know, but I know that I believe in giving guidance to kids, because they will sneak and do things that they're not supposed to do, and then just how they may handle those rejections. Of course, we've heard of Romeo and Juliet. Kids get real serious about that. They think it's worth dying for whatever is going on, fighting for whatever. So giving them guidance is really important, and some parameter. Dollars before they actually get into it, because once they, like, get their nose turned or whatever you guys say about it is it's kind of too late in some ways, right? Of course, you want to keep going. Don't give up on your kid. But you know, give them guidance. So important. The UCLA writing project invites you to an event that will transform how we teach and support multilingual, multicultural students, newcomers and speakers of African American, English and indigenous languages. The theme this year is the power of words, the strength of story. Keynote speaker is Joseph Velasco, and he's an acclaimed storyteller who is a theater artist and high school English teacher. He'll kick off the day really talking about how to help students find their voice. He has a rich background in theater arts and ethnic studies. Joseph brings his unique perspective on how words and stories empower students to find their voice and their lived experiences. There will be workshops with a social justice focus. Throughout the day, you'll participate in workshops that explore writing as a tool for social justice, addressing critical issues related to race, gender and media. In addition to that, I will be one of the presenters there, and I will also be doing a book signing and selling books there. If you haven't got your copy of the rewrite method in the rewrite method workbook, or if you need to re up because you finished up that workbook with one of your students, and another child is coming up. So don't miss TD. Flenaugh is going to be there at the conference, the with different eyes conference. It is a wonderful conference to help support multilingual and multicultural students. Don't miss it. We've talked about relationships. We've with friends, romantic relationships. Now we're going to get into other rejection, so more public rejection, where you didn't get that part in the play, where you did not win that PTA. PTA. You did not win that student body president, right? You didn't get one of the soccer team when you did your auditions or tryouts, tryouts. Okay? So that is another form of rejection. And again, if we are not setting our kids up with a strong foundation, they will even be afraid to even have rejection, like I'm not going to audition, and I've known many people who just never put themselves out there. And of course, that rejection, that ability to handle rejection, to bounce back from rejection is what's standing in children's way of meeting their goals. That's what's standing in the way of all of us and meeting our goals, because we're afraid to put ourselves out there. We're afraid that this isn't perfect enough. We're afraid that we're going to get knocked down, that we're not going to make it. And the truth is that, yes, sometimes you will fail, sometimes you will get rejected. But if you keep putting yourself out there, you keep working on your craft, you keep doing what you're supposed to do, with consistency, with fidelity, the best that you can be improving, you are going to make it right, but the rejections are a natural part of being successful. Failure is a part of the learning process, right? The more that we could point out that we're putting ourselves out there, guys, I'm going to put my information in for a grant, I'm going to put in my application for this new promotion, and then when things don't work out, we say, I'm going to keep going. So with my professional situation that I was modeling for my daughter, I was, I'm a national board certified teacher. Now, back when I was doing it, people, when I was first getting it, most people, you know, did their everything in one year, right? So, I did all of my portfolios, all of that in a year, and submitted it to be national board certified. I was rejected. I did not, you know, pass. It was sad for me, and of course, I knew people who passed and I didn't pass, and it just was so upsetting. But I tried again when I tried again, but we don't get the results until, like, much later, and so when I got the results, it was a new school year, and I had already taken on extra duties, and we also had, like, a family crisis at that time where I ended up be taking care of so many different members of the family. And back then, I was a solo parent, meaning I was the sole person taking care of my child, the sole person who was providing money and the sole person providing time. Yeah, but then I had these other family members that I was working, you know, taking taking care of as well, financially and otherwise. So I still move forward with my process. And I had a feeling, but I moved forward in my process, and I did not certify that second time, I was very heartbroken, but again, I did it my third time, and I became national board certified. I had a lot better structures in place to help support myself. I reflected. I thought about what I did wrong, I learned. I became such a much better teacher from this process. And, you know, I, model for my child, like this is what we do. We keep moving, even though it's not perfect, even though we don't get it the first time. And that's the kind of thing that is going to help our child. They're not going to make the school play that star role all the time. They're not going to get accepted for the job all of the time, or get into the soccer team, whatever it is that they want. They're not going to get it the first time all the time. Some kids will, but there will be some kind of rejection that our kids will deal with, but them knowing that they have your support, they have that confidence in themselves and the individual, and they are knowing that rejection is part of their journey, they will bounce back. And then we are going to have our kids doing the things that they want to do, reaching their goals. And of course, as parents, we're going to be we, we're going to be reaping those rewards, right? That's what we're going to be achieving as parents, because we're helping guide our kids through that process, and we're also letting them know ahead of time, this is part of the process. You will get rejected sometimes, but putting yourself out there, you're going to learn, you're going to grow, you're going to be stronger, you're going to be smarter, and then you're going to eventually get it because you're putting in that work helping them figure out, what did I do wrong? How do I get better? Who can help me? It's going to help them, not just in that one endeavor, but for the rest of their lives. They're going to learn from those rejections and be the better for it. So yes, this is going to be sad. We're going to have to see our kids be rejected by their friends, be rejected by a romantic person, a romantic partner that maybe they were in love with, or they were, you know, in a relationship with, or maybe that never wanted to be with them in the first place, right? But in the process, we're going to teach them how to show up for people, we're going to teach them how we're expecting other people to show up for us, we're learning for the life lessons, right? We seldom it happens, but seldom do those childhood friends or childhood romantic engagements last all our lives, it happens, but it doesn't always happen, but it helps them to learn, or help them to grow in a relationship with their friends, or the lifetime as their lives change, right and then being rejected on a more public scale where they don't get into that club or that whatever it is is going to help fuel them forward for the rest of their lives. Thanks again for joining us. Thanks again for supporting the Falling for Learning Podcast, new episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com, at falling for learning, or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit fallinginlovewithlearning.com. We really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week.