Game-Changing Strategies to Support Your Child's Learning | Episode 67

TD Flenaugh discusses the importance of supporting children's learning journeys without shaming them for not knowing something. She emphasizes the need for patience, positive reinforcement, and recognizing children's efforts. Flenaugh highlights the issue of labeling and over-referring black and brown children to special education, urging parents to seek help when their children are behind academically. She stresses the importance of independent work and the potential negative outcomes if children lack basic skills. Flenaugh also advises parents to invest time or money in their children's education and to advocate for their needs in special education, ensuring they receive the necessary support to succeed.

Keywords: learning support, academic struggles, strategies
#EducationEquity #ParentingWins #LearningTransformation

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:01

I know you know this word. Stop acting like you don't know this word. I taught this to you already. Does this sound familiar? Are you fussing at your kid about what they should know, what they ought to know, instead of helping them and supporting them and making them feel comfortable in their learning journey. If so, it's okay. Don't miss this episode. We got to get it together. We got to get it together. Hi. Thank you so much for joining the Falling for Learning podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Episode 67 of the Falling for Learning Podcast. Now today, we're going to talk about something that I participated in, which is shaming my child when they didn't know something so and I've seen many of us participate in this harmful practice. Right? This podcast is talking to us about, how do we get our kids on track for learning and to stay on track for success, and something that we have to do in order to help them do this, something that we should do and we ought to do, is definitely helping them in the learning process, making it a comfortable place to make mistakes. Now, some of us like myself have helped other people's kids learn, and been comfortable to teach them over and over again, to show them something again. But really what it is is our ego, we have our pride and our our kid, and they're letting us down if they don't get what we are trying to give to them. And so instead of being patient like we know, to be patient with others, some of us are very patient on our job, but don't have that same patients for our family or our kids, we really need to check ourselves, and I definitely checked myself in this area several times, and that is why I feel comfortable telling you the same thing. We're all about growth and reflection. So instead of shaming our children when they don't get something, say it's okay. We forget. Sometimes you may have to practice this because it's frustrating, I know. And we know our child is smart and we know our child is capable, and it's frustrating when they're not producing. I know. So that is why we have a take a breath. We have to take a break and be, you know, calm about it, be upbeat about it. You know what? Let's take a break. I think you're tired right now, that's okay. Let's come back and also remind them, I know you're very smart, and then tell them the things that they did, right? And I'm going to beat this drum. And I've said this before. If you've watched my podcast, you've watched me say this before. Give them positive feedback, because part of falling in love with learning is enjoying the learning process. But if you've made the mistakes that are inevitable when it comes to the learning process, when you've made it a shame, when you made it an embarrassment, when you get angry at them, then they're not enjoying the learning process. So when they have a choice, they're going to do something else besides read, write and develop themselves. And so we have to do better if we want that next generation to do better. And yes, some of us are up here saying, Well, my mom argued with me and fussed at me and gave me a whipping, even when I was supposed to be doing my learning and I got my understanding and my learning that may be true, and that might be true in spite of doing what you're supposed to do. And then I would also challenge you to go another step now, are you living the dream that you wanted to to actually lead because that learning process where you were feeling like you're dumb, or you're acting like you're dumb, or you are making mistakes and embarrassing your parent making them upset, did that process make you feel uncertain, actually, about stepping into your dreams and your actual goals and full fully realizing your full potential. So that's the question I would ask you, because you could be surviving and doing well and even successful, but are you living your dream? And so when we are uncomfortable with the learning process, then we fall for or settle for what is good enough, instead of living to our full potential, really getting out of our comfort zone and really again challenging ourselves to all that we could be right, right? All that scares us and really walking in our purpose. Okay? So we want to make sure that we have some tools and strategies when we're getting frustrated, when we want to say to our child, you ought to know this, and you need to pay attention, and you don't, you're not focused, right? Instead of saying all of those things to our children, we want to say we want to speak life into them. We want to give them encouragement. Mm, hmm. We want to say things like, you got this right, you got this right, and you got this right. But here's one place where we can improve right, and you don't want to nitpick them with all of the mistakes that they've made, right? You want to show them what they're doing well, and then you want to give them something they can improve on. And if you're feeling frustrated, then you need to take a break, both of you, of course, right? And if they're feeling frustrated, they also need to take a break. You need to make sure that you leave yourself some space and some grace, and your child some space and grace when they are not getting it, when they're tired, when they're feeling frustrated, right? And don't be afraid to write the teacher a note if you're you know, if you have your kid going to school, and the teacher says they need to do this amount, say that we did this as much as we could, and we had to take a break because we were getting frustrated, or there was a lot of challenges. And, you know, write the note. It's important because your child needs that extra time, and they need to feel comfortable, and they need to feel confident. And if we are, you know, challenging their ability to feel comfortable in the learning process, we are really, really preventing that legacy from being fully realized. And really that's the opposite of what we want to happen. So we really have to consider that right. So something else that we want to talk about is just because your child is behind right, do not prevent your child from getting help. And let me tell you what I mean by that. So a lot of us know about statistics when it happens to black kids and brown kids, but people want to label them. They want to put them in special education classes and all of that. This is true, right? There has been a lot of referrals to special education, a lot of them, a lot of black boys, especially Latino boys, have been put into special education. Very true. But what we don't talk about is that some of the children are actually behind academically, right? Many of them are behind academically, and you could be standing in their way of getting help. And I know that parents, we think, Okay, we're here to protect them. We're held help them and support them, just like if we're talking negative things to them about, you know, their learning process and how long it takes them to learn something, and really making them second guess themselves and their ability to learn and to thrive. This is the same with this special education. Now, some of us aren't in the position, or we're we're not there for helping our kids the way we should be, right? So teachers may come to you and say, Your child is behind in reading. They're behind in math. And in my area, we call it an sspt student support meeting, right? So they call it different acronyms. So, so they have different people that come together and come up with a plan about how to support the kid, to watch them, to try strategies so that they could grow and they could progress from where their current state is, academically, behaviorally, whatever the issues are. This is like a pre referral, a pre step to a special education, you know, IEP assessment, you know, they assess the child where they are and see if they qualify for special education. Now, we can be defensive and said, our kid, our kid knows how to do this, our kid knows how to do that, and you are just trying to do this or that to my kid, you can. But again, I'm all about. About talking about facts. It is factual that your child may not know how to read well, or they don't know how to they may not how know how to write, they may not know how to do math well, and those are facts that we need to deal with. Some of us take the stance of protecting our child or being defensive and saying they do know how to do this, they know how to do that, right? And that same kind of spirit comes up when they're reading. They're missing words that you feel like they ought to know when they should know, right? They you have a defensiveness. Well, no, he can read. He reads with me at home. He does this at home. But again, some of us don't even understand what kids are asked to do in third grade, right? They take state tests in third grade, they have to do a lot of stuff independently, and you may not understand that. And and again, I'm not against parents helping their kids with work at home, but some of us are downright doing the work for our kids, or just telling them the answers. And then when they go to school and they're supposed to produce on their own, they're arguing with a teacher that they do know how to do work and they can do it. And you have to be honest with yourself, because this is not an argument that you should have with the teacher. It's you really reflecting is my child sitting down and doing this work by themselves? Because you know that teachers have 2030, I've had 40 in my class before 41 all year, those children in that class how are taught by one teacher, and teachers do not have the time to sit with your child individually and work with them all through the day, individually, right? They have a group of students that they need to support. So one on one, attention may happen here and there, but it's not happening constantly, like you might prefer, like you might be providing at home. So you need to take that into account. You need to think about it, and you really need to understand that if they're taking the time to have this meeting with you this expectation, and they're saying factual things, like your child is not able to read this much, they're able they're not able to read these words. They are having a problem recognizing this or doing this kind of math or whatever. It shouldn't be an argument. Instead, it should be you actually taking a look at what your child is doing independently, and what are you doing for them, and how much support are you giving to them. And think about in a classroom of 20, let's just say the minimum is going to be 20. Often there's more, but let's just say 20, is this going to get done with the same amount of support, right? Are you over there doing your, you know, cleaning, cooking, taking care of other kids and kind of looking around here and there to see if they're doing, you know, checking in periodically. Are you sitting there, sitting there, doing the work with them, telling them the answers, helping them with the work, because that's not independence. It's not wrong to help them, but it is important for you to understand that there's a certain level of independence that's required for them to be on grade level, and if they don't have that, and the teacher is bringing up to you that there is an issue, then you really need to listen in and lean in to what you can do at home to support your child and get them to where they're supposed to go. United States, 75% of children don't know how to write well, add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story if your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook pretend to make sure that parents know what to do, that educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better, but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to fallingforlearning.com today to purchase your set so now that you know and hopefully we have decided to embrace what they're saying, that these educators are taking time out of their day and their schedule to alert you that there is a serious problem with your level, that your child's level of performance with their academic levels, right so you get off. Of the defensiveness. Now, I do want to say here's the caveat, if they're saying a lot of negative things about your child, and they're not basing it on facts, like their child is, your child is reading 10 words per minute, again, that's a fact. If you if they're saying negative things, well, he's always throwing tantrums. You know, just a lot of negative things about your child and they're not saying positive things, then you know, you feel like there's some bias there, and there probably is, but make sure that they're talking about facts and they're provable and don't argue with them. And if you want to bring in, because this has happened many, many times, just trust me, where parents want to argue about, no, he does know how to do this. He does know how to do that. And the parent will sit there and coach their child and tell them, yeah, that says, and then watch him do this, and then you helped him do it again. We're not talking about what you could help them do. We are talking about what your child can do independently. So very important, what can your child do independently? And this is what we're referring to, not how much you help them at home or what you help them with, and again, that they're using facts and details from their testing and everything now, again, another caveat, I know kids sometimes ignore test or fake it, or don't pretend, pretend like they don't know, or just hurry up and fill in the blank. You as a parent, should be enforcing the importance of their tests that they're taking. They should be taking it seriously, and a lot of kids who aren't taking it seriously are behind academically. Yes, so they should be able to sit there and and even though they don't want to go ahead and finish it and do their best on it and show their competency, not that they're perfect, whatever it is that they know they should be able to read it and write it and respond to it. And if they're not, that's further evidence that they are behind academically. So again, take the time to listen to what people are saying. They're taking time out of their schedule to give your child help, and it's for a reason. So arguing with a teacher does not get your child closer to where they want to go. Now let's say all this happens. And you know, one thing I want to say is invest. There's two ways to invest. You could invest with your time, and you can invest with your money. So if you have the time, make sure you read with your child every day, do math with your child every day. Maybe get a online service that you're able to, you know, over their shoulder, check to see that they're working on it, check to see that they're getting better. So it's very, very important that you are taking the time to get your child on track. If you're not, then you are, you know, missing opportunities for your child to grow and to develop, and when they come back, right? Because usually they come back and they say, you know, we've had this meeting for your child to get them help, and we've tried strategies in school, and your child has not developed further. We're recommending now that they're get assessed for special education, it is going to happen if you're not putting in that time, and I said, or money, right? You could also say, I don't have the time, but I do have the money I can dedicate, you know, $300 a month, $400 a month, to getting them a tutor or swap out, you know, you do somebody's hair and they, you know, they What do you work for your child? Right? Work to help your child get up to grade level. So there's different ways to make it happen. So invest in your time or investing your money to make sure your child is progressing and getting better. Because they'll come back and they say, we'll recommend them for special education now, of course, you have the right, you absolutely have the right, not to have your child be involved in the special education program. You don't have to approve that, but I do want to be clear with you, you stopping them from being a special education class is not going to stop the negative outcomes that come with them being illiterate, with them being functional, an adult that cannot function with basic math and basic reading skills, adult level, when I'm saying basic adult level, reading and writing skills and math skills that's going to make them hard to function in their world as independent adults, as people who can bring home the money to support themselves independently, so them getting on you, denying them special education services, and then you not even investing in the time or money you. To help bring them up to where they need to be is going to directly lead to them going into negative consequences, negative outcomes for their life, where they can't complete high school, where they may be involved in illegal activity, because people get desperate when they get older and they cannot provide for themselves, they don't want to be told what to do and treat it like a child and be dependent on others so they may go to the legal means. Do you understand? So you have to be aware of this. Those negative outcomes from people being in special education don't just come because they were in special education, but it comes because they're not able to function, and that can be true if they're in a special education classroom or not or a special education program. Now here's the other part. If your child qualifies for special education, you again have control to see what's in that IEP and to agree or disagree with it, to get advocates for you, for you, to do your own research and advocate for the things your child needs. I do want to tell you that people in more affluent communities, they have children with IEPs 504, all these different things, and they use it to their child's advantage. They do not use it so that someone could hold them down to make fun of them, but making sure they get extra time on the SAT, making sure that they get extended time for all of their assignments, making sure that someone is there to make sure, ensure that they are guaranteed to get those accommodations or modifications or whatever they need to make it to wherever they want to go. So a special education IEP, that's an individual education. That's an individual educational plan. Individualized Education Plan is not, is not a direct correlation to going to prison or be involved in drugs and alcohol, but not having skills, not having resources to help you to become independent, is that's the problem, and that's what you need to be concerned about. So some of us don't understand all of it, right? We just hear, Oh, if they're in special education, they going to put your child in No, no, no, no, if you do not take the time or the money to invest in your child so that they can have the skills to succeed in life and to make their dreams come true, so that it's not just hopeless for them, right? Because kids know. They know when they can't do things, they'll be first grade and they'll be like, I can't, I can't do that. By the time they're in third grade, fourth grade, they're like, I can't read. I don't have to do that. And they may have just given it up. They just don't tell people I don't know how to do it, right? And as an adult, they're like, I can't read, I can't do this. I'm going to go do something illegal so I could get some fast money, because I'm not gonna be able to do it myself anyway, right? So that's the direct correlation, the lack of skills resources and the belief in themselves that they're not going to be able to do any more than than they have going on. That's the problem, not that your child was referred for special education. You keep your eyes on the prize, if your child qualifies for special education, to advocate for the things that they need. And there's so much information online out there about what you can advocate for your child to have and to get. A lot of people with special education have used that as a tool to get to where they want to go, and it's not something to be ashamed about or anything. They're getting the help that they need, again, if you're paying attention and if you're advocating for yourself now, of course, you could handle the special education, the IEP meetings and all of that like you've handled other things, if, again, you weren't doing your due diligence to invest your time and your money and your child's educational future and their becoming independent and developing self efficacy. If you have not done that, and you handle the special education, the IEP meetings, all of that the same way, then of course, you are possibly leading them to a path of again, you know, broken dreams, repeated generational malfunction, right? So again, really think about that. Get answers, ask for help, ask for support. Research, find out what you can do to support your child, but just going again. Someone because they're saying your child is not able to read. Are you arguing with teachers and educators about what your child is able to do when they're telling you they're not able to do this independently? In the classroom, I cannot sit by your kid for 40 minutes, for an hour, for two hours, and help them do their work. When I walk away, they're not doing work. So at the end of the day, they have very little things, very little work done. They're telling you this. They're not independent, they're not arguing. They're not trying to argue with you or put your child down. They are reaching out because there is a problem, and they want your help. They want you to work as a team to solve the problem. They want you to work as a team to help solve the problem. So you've got to be aware of that. But again, if you feel like the people that are bringing this to your attention are biased or against you, are not using facts, are whatever. Then, of course, you have the right to move your child to somewhere else, but moving them somewhere else does not mean that they will magically know how to read. And I do want to tell you, this is the this is the tricky part. I do want to tell you that sometimes people have gone against a teacher simply because a teacher wasn't cool enough. The teacher wasn't, I don't know, warm enough, not that they are being disrespect for anything, but they're just not that cool. It person. Sometimes parents get caught up in those personalities and they're like, Oh, the teacher last year was so cool, and my son said about this teacher, kids don't always know what's good for them. As you know, your kid would eat candy all day if you let them, right? And that's the cool thing, right? That person who lets them eat candy all day is cool, but is that good for your child? Does that help them grow healthy and strong the way they need to? So sometimes, and you again, have to investigate. There's no blanket rules for this. You have to find out for yourself. There are, is that kid or those kids just saying the teacher's cool because they don't make them do anything they could, kind of do whatever they want in that class, or is it because they are caring and a warm demander? And here's my last thing, I'm going to say, some people foolishly think that being a warm demander has to do with being cool with the kids, but in fact, a warm demander holds kids to high standards, but at the same time, communicates the care that they have for them, just like a parent would, not exactly like a parent, but similar to a parent, you know that you're holding your child for with high standards. You expect the best for them, the most for them, that you're know that they're capable and they're able to do it. And at the same time, they know you love them. They know that you care about them. That's a warm demander. A warm demander is not cool. Do whatever you want here, um, you know, I want you to do your work, but you can do whatever you want. No, that's not warm demander. And again, kids don't always know what they want, sorry, what they need, right? And of course, later they'll want it. Mm, hmm, later they wish that someone would have held their feet to the fire, made them do what they were supposed to do, you know, really held up those high standards for them. But it'll be too late. They'd have to pay for that education later on, instead of getting it for free from a warm demand or teacher that has high standards, that is all up in it, that's on their nerves sometimes, but they know that is from care and love and understanding about what they need to succeed in life. So I'm going to wrap it up here. Okay, so make sure that you are doing something that your future children will thank you for thanks again for supporting the Falling for Learning Podcast. New episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm You can watch us on youtube.com /@ fallingforlearning or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more for more resources, visit fallinginlovewithlearning.com we really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week.