Recognizing and Reversing Childhood Trauma: Insights from Dr. Nicole Monteiro | Episode 60

In this enlightening episode of the Falling for Learning Podcast, host TD Flenaugh welcomes the insightful Dr. Nicole Monteiro, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and author, to discuss the impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) on children’s development and well-being. Dr. Monteiro shares her expertise on how parents can recognize and address these challenges to help their children thrive, rather than merely survive. The conversation also delves into generational trauma, its long-lasting effects, and the importance of breaking the cycle for future generations.

Resources Mentioned:

Listen to Dr. Monteiro's Podcast - "The Secret Formula of Femininity with Dr. Nicole Monteiro"

- [Dr. Nicole Monteiro’s Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/drnicolemonteiro)

- [Dr. Nicole Monteiro’s Website](http://www.drnicolemonteiro.com)

- [Dr. Nicole Monteiro’s YouTube Channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzmtRgtOpOnq7pp4w_xrQ7g)

#FallingForLearning #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ACEs #TraumaInformed #ChildDevelopment #ParentingTips #MentalHealth #GenerationalTrauma #ThrivingNotSurviving #DrNicoleMonteiro

Keywords: 

Adverse Childhood Experiences, Trauma, Generational Trauma, Child Development, Mental Health, Parenting, Counseling, Thriving, Surviving, Emotional Well-being, Dr. Nicole Monteiro, Psychology, ACEs, Child Behavior.

Listen Now:

Tune in to this episode on [Falling for Learning](http://www.fallingforlearning.com) to gain valuable insights on how to support your child’s mental and emotional health. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review!

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:00

Your child could be suffering from adverse childhood experiences, if they have witnessed crimes violence or even have been separated from a parent. And today, our special guest, Dr Nicole Montero, is going to talk to us about how we could recognize when your child has is suffering from adverse childhood experiences, and how to turn around some of those negative outcomes. Hi, thank you so much for joining the following for learning podcast. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources, strategies and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success, welcome Dr Nicole Montero,

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 0:50

thank you. Thank you so much. I'm happy to be here.

TD Flenaugh: 0:54

We're so glad to have you to talk to us about adverse childhood experiences, but before we get into that. Let's learn a little bit about you as a kid, what was something that really helped you to fall in love with learning?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 1:08

Um, I think I just had a natural curiosity, and I was always very observant, perceptive, like I wouldn't necessarily talk a lot, but I would just sit and almost people watch, and it's interesting that we're talking about adverse childhood experiences, because I feel like I observed what in my little six and seven year old, mine was like, okay, something is not right about this. And I became curious. But looking back, it was probably people who, you know, were going through their own issues or traumas. But I just always had, like, a curiosity about what made people in particular tick. Like, why would someone do something either that was really great, or that kind of was like, Okay, why is he or she doing that?

TD Flenaugh: 1:54

Okay? All right, and so take us into your education and career journey that led you to your profession today.

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 2:04

So I am a licensed clinical psychologist. I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Howard University, and my focus was on culture and mental health as well as neuropsychology, so really looking at the brain and how it works and how also culture impacts people's behaviors. And I've had I've lived abroad, I've lived in four different countries, and taught and worked with kids through adults. So I've just done a lot, I think, with that cure that poor curiosity, which is, like, just wanting to understand people and what motivates us to do really, really well. And I like, what are some of the things that can kind of hinder that? And so right now I am in the Philadelphia area. I am a professor of psychology, and I also own a private practice, okay? Do counseling with parents and kids and adults.

TD Flenaugh: 3:06

So you know your stuff. We have our expert here. Yeah, so in our first season of the following for learning podcast, we had, there was like a viral video of a girl yelling and screaming her her mother was getting arrested. And, you know, I identified that as, like in New York, I think it was in New York, yes, yeah. And so people were really talking about how horrible this girl was acting, and because she was, you know, threatening the police, she was verbally threatening them, like, I'm gonna punch somebody. And she just was really, like, not wanting her mom to get arrested. She said her mom didn't do anything, yeah, and so I was, I recognized that as a classroom teacher, this child is experiencing another, you know, adverse childhood experience. She also said her dad had died or something like that. So, yeah, so just, just like compounded, obviously. So I wanted a expert to come and talk to us more about this, because I have, you know, very surface level understanding about it, but we really want parents to recognize what it is and how to address it, to turn things around. So first of all, could you just define adverse childhood experiences for those people who may not know what it is?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 4:38

Yes, so you hear people talk about the aces. So it's the adverse childhood experiences study which was kind of stumbled upon by accident, or the what ended up being the research question. So like in the 1980s a health system in California, the Kaiser. Permanente kind of health system compiled all of this data because physicians started noticing this really strong correlation between a lot of their patients who had like obesity and chronic medical illnesses and so forth. But when they started asking questions, interviewing them, digging deeper. They found that so many of these patients had had really difficult childhood experiences, aka adverse childhood experiences. And those are, I like the term, because I know we talk a lot about trauma these days, which I think it's great we're becoming more trauma informed. But it's such a big it's such a general word, that I think it's easy for people to dismiss it. And so this study really looked at like 10s of 1000s of people and made correlations between certain physical conditions, illnesses and so forth. And the self reported childhood things that these patients experienced in childhood, and they found that the more of these adverse experiences, things like being sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally and verbally abused, neglected, having a parent who was mentally ill, having a parent who had been incarcerated, that those kinds of experiences, the more of those that a person had. So it was almost like cumulative, right, the more likely they were, or there was a correlation with these kind of medical conditions that you would hear like the Surgeon General talking about like high blood pressure, diabetes, susceptibility to cancer and all of these things. And they also found that there was a correlation or connection to things like difficult academic difficulty. So thank you. See occupational difficulty, so later on, like difficulty with steady employment, or, you know, like really, kind of, basically your ability to flourish and like so in childhood, these things affect you. Later on, in adulthood, these experiences.

TD Flenaugh: 7:21

Yeah, so this is I'm again, just so glad you came to talk to us about this, because, you know this kind of thing, when we're talking about falling for learning, we can't even think about learning if the child is really caught in this trauma and it's not addressed. So we can't just say, like, hit those books and ignore their emotions and their feelings, and some of us, unfortunately do that. But of course, we want to make sure that you're informed so that we could turn that around.

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 7:54

Yeah, yeah. And I think what really struck people about that study, they were able to then pare it down to like 10 main questions that you could screen a person and see what their risk factors are like. If a person had like five, for example, out of 10 of those, they were at such, you know, like they were at an elevated risk. So if you were sexually abused, physically abused, you had a severely mentally ill parent or caretaker, and somebody in the home have been incarcerated that puts you at higher risk for not only you know, of course, as a child, but

TD Flenaugh: 8:34

then also into adult. Yes, so it does not go away just because we ignore it. What can you advice? Can you give parents, if they know you know that their child has been through some kind of traumatic experience? What can they do to stop these negative outcomes like you say, the research says it leads to so many problems as they get older.

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 9:00

So So it's one of those things that awareness is key, and it's not. It's not like destiny, right? Like if you become aware, getting help, getting intervention, first of all, taking the child out of whatever that adverse thing is, if there's if they're being abused, or if you are the one doing it, like if you are in a place where you're not good and you're verbally or emotionally abusing your child, or whatever, stop it, right? But if your child is in a situation where they're subjected to those things, get them out. If it's something that can't be avoided, like they had a parent who was incarcerated, get them help. Don't ignore it, right? So, and by all accounts, either get help, get them out of the situation, somehow acknowledge that this is not healthy. I think that's the first step, because the more. You can reduce their exposure. It's almost like a virus or something like, once, you know, all right, somebody's contagious, you get them out of it, and you start to, you know, try to get that person better. So you don't want to ignore it. You want to get help. You want to have it acknowledged. And you want to understand that for kids, especially the younger they are, the more likely it's to show in their behavior, versus them saying, Hey, this is I'm doing. I'm feeling this way. Smaller kids usually don't say that, even sometimes older kids, sometimes even adults, right? But they act more destructively, or they act out in school, so you will often see it in their behavior. So as a parent, you really have to be observant versus expecting that the child is going to come to you and just be able to, like, express themselves in this way about what's going on.

TD Flenaugh: 10:58

Yeah, what I read about it, it says that the children often don't know how to articulate what they're feeling, and they have these blow ups and different things like that. Can you tell us more about what what more do? They'll be those behaviors look like when they I have aces, yes.

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 11:17

So it could be a wide range, like in the classroom, you can see anything from difficulty concentrating, seeming like they're not with it so kind of daydreaming, what we would call like dissociating, you're like, kind of off in another world, okay? You're not focused, not able to complete tasks again because of like that concentration or difficulty paying attention. It could also be very outward, so like easily triggered blowing up chances still either easily drawn into a fight with another kid or starting a fight with another kid talking back to teachers. So anything on those extremes where, like the child is very, very withdrawn and kind of not connected or overly stimulated or acting out in negative ways, what we would call negative ways, okay,

TD Flenaugh: 12:17

and so what? What are some things that they could do like their child is, you see, they're easily triggered, or, you know, getting into a lot of fights, or just really withdrawn. Like, what are some things, if that's my child right now? Like, what could I do about that?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 12:34

So if you notice that that is happening, especially in school and or home, you want to start to talk with the school. It requires collaboration. So you want to get a sense of like from the teacher. You want to build a relationship. Is he doing is he or she doing this in the classroom? What are you noticing? Does it seem like it's a certain time of day? Like you kind of want to play detective to see what to try to understand a little bit about why the child is doing this. Now, some kids, when they have learning, you know, difficulties or learning disorders, they will act out because it's like a defense mechanism. So sometimes, you know, of course, I'm a psychologist, so I would say, like, take the child to to just speak to a counselor and see. You know if that person can help them to better identify or express what they're feeling or what's going on within them, you can ask them as the parent, but sometimes you know kids, they might just say, Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. And so in that case, you want to talk to the teachers the school, and then also have them speak to a counselor if necessary. Yeah, so it's, I think it's interesting, you brought up counseling and but I know people who are afraid of taking their kids to counseling. They feel like they're going to be reported or or something. I don't, you know, not sure all of the fears, but there are some fears there about some of the things that happen, and maybe the family members are getting in trouble, or something like that. So you see people really mandated to do things right, like the Court tells you to do it. But as far as I don't, you know, a lot of times if, if no one's making them, then they're like, everything's okay. 75% of children don't know how to write. Well, add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story? If your child doesn't know how to write? Well, I have two books to address this issue, the rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook grid tend to make sure that parents know what to do, that educators know what to do to get their children to write better and just not write better. But love. To write, make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to fallingforlearning.com today to purchase your set so they just they don't do that. Yeah. And the sad thing is, if a court is mandating it, that means it's very severe, which is like it has literally gone on so far to the point that authorities and court systems have gotten involved, and so we don't want that to happen. I would say if, if you're sincerely getting your child help, like if you're abusing your child, like you are maliciously abusing your child, then, okay, I get it. You don't want to go to counseling, right? But you're concerned for your child. You would want to try to better understand how to help them, and you can do your own research. You can always recommend things like the movie Inside Out, because it helps to explain different emotions from a child's perspective. But sometimes you need help, and I think that's where we tend to we tend to not do right by our children when we want to try to not get help for them, right, like if they had a cold, or if they had a prolonged not just a whole, right? It starts as a whole, but it keeps going on and on. Their coughing is weeks and weeks and weeks. Are you not going to take the child to the urgent care or the doctor their pediatrician's office? I think most parents would take them, right? So you wouldn't think about their emotional well being in the same way.

TD Flenaugh: 16:43

Yeah, that's really, really good advice to really, you know, reframe it, because if you're there trying to get help for your child, that's different than the court getting involved, you know, but you see that you're trying to there, that you see you're trying to do something. Another thing I learned about with adverse childhood experiences and trauma, that there's generational trauma and like, what can you tell us about that and how it manifests itself?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 17:12

Yeah, it's funny. I'm looking there's a book I have that I always recommend to people on my bookshelf is called, it didn't start with you, and it kind of breaks down the science of generational trauma. So not only is generational, it basically generational means it's passed down, you know, from one generation to the next. Now, a lot of it could be through observation, like modeling, what you saw before you, and the way people had to cope and but a lot of it, too is even on a genetic level, because when your grandmother was pregnant with your mother, the traumas that your grandmother may have experienced were impacting your mother and your mother's eggs, which then helped to produce you were in her even when she was in your grandmother's stomach. So this is deep, oh, wow, stresses, right? Like, it goes on a deep level like that, to where, you know, what we would call chronic stress, or, like, not just stress, like, oh my god, you know, I'm tired from work, but like, things, traumas, basically, yeah, those can, like, affect your body, how you think, how you behave, and then that is passed down genetically, like, you know, through the generations. And so that's why getting help. You're not just helping yourself or your child. You're helping to heal the future generations. Once you stop, when it would, you know when we say generational curses, right? Once you interrupt this like you're literally cutting the lifeline. You're cutting the cord from all of those traumatic experiences, negative behaviors, a lot of the behaviors we see that are destructive. When you see people just fighting, drinking, smoking, all this stuff, that's how they're coping with their their traumas. I'm glad you brought that up, right? You don't have to keep doing that.

TD Flenaugh: 19:18

I'm glad you brought that up because, yeah, people don't always know what to look for. So we can see that someone is, you know, smoking a lot, you know, drinking a lot, that they're probably in pain or in dealing with something, right? So that's something, because what I also know is that a lot of people feel like they're okay, even though these things happen to them and their family, and they know some of the stories or a little bit about it, and they're like, we're fine. How can you speak to that?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 19:49

Yeah, yeah, we you know, just because you're coping, just because you didn't die, right? You know how they say, what didn't feel you made you stronger? Yes, that's where. Wait for the time being. But do you really want to be in that survival mode? And sometimes survival mode looks like being so numb or like so cut off from what you're feeling that you don't even recognize you feel like you're okay. But then when you really look, are you emotional eating, emotionally eating. Are you doing a bunch of retail therapy? Are you not able to really focus and reach your goals because you self doubt? Are you always down on yourself? Are you doing some of that other stuff we said, drinking, smoking, like out there, kind of just having sex with anybody, not because you want to, but just that's what you're doing to feel worthy. Right? When you look at some of these behaviors, you kind of think, Okay, well, maybe I'm not as fine as I think I am. I'm just medicating myself with all of these different cope, you know behaviors that are helping me cope. That's

TD Flenaugh: 21:03

a good point. And then also looking at your kids, sometimes you'll see your kids are having a lot of challenges, and you know that's coming from you, right? So, yeah, it's important. It takes some reflection, but that's what this show is about, about legacy building, and that is so multifaceted, right? Like, you know, academics, but also social, emotional, well, being, health and, you know, so it's really good. So you can you tell us a little bit about your your private practice? And, yeah,

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 21:39

yeah. So I my practice is called the Center for healing and development. Chad and I work with people working on anxiety, trauma, depression. I also have a coaching arm of my practice where I coach specifically women on emotional well being boundaries. So I have a book that I wrote. My book is the boundaries to Bliss blueprint women with boundaries, because that's one area where you see past trauma can impact women in their relationships. They are choosing the wrong man they don't know how to deal with you know, have healthy boundaries. They're people pleasing. So that's the coaching part of my practice. But I basically just work with people who want to go beyond surviving and get to that part of thriving, which you have to work on your mental well being and your emotional well being. So

TD Flenaugh: 22:42

tell us more about like, what, what is the difference between surviving and thriving?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 22:48

So thriving is where you can see. You ever look at a plant, a flower, I'm so into my garden now, right? But when you start to when you plant, the things in your garden, the plants, the flowers when they start to flourish, right? Okay? Sometimes, when you first put them in, they're like, kind of scrawny, like they're making it. They're not dead yet, yeah, you know, they're trying to make their way into that soil. They have to be watered, and you could tell. But when they start really blooming, flourishing, okay, this fullness in them, and it's full of life. So think about as a person, when you're able to feel good about yourself, you're able to take healthy risks, meaning like you have a goal you can move towards. You're not like, oh my god, I can't, you know, okay, you allow yourself to be open to people and relationships. You're really at a point where it's not that you're happy all the time, because we know life has ups and downs, but you're able to experience joy in your life. Happy relationships. Feel fulfilled in different areas of your life, when you're thriving. I mean, when you're surviving, you're literally just getting by. You have a lot of fears, you have a lot of doubts, you have a lot of like, everything is about struggle. You you're you know, you don't trust. Like, think of all of the negative mindset things that could be holding you back that survival mode. But when you break free of those, you're in thriving mode, and you're more. You just enjoy life better. I think we I don't know who all your audience is, but like, if I'm really passionate about black women and women of color being in a place of thriving, and not just the old narrative, like, you know, yeah, we gonna make it girl. And it's like, no, we deserve to be like, happy and free dream

TD Flenaugh: 24:47

that's wonderful. I'm so glad you, you know, broke that down for people, because, especially, you know, people who are raising kids and working and they're, yeah, it's a lot of just go, go. Go and, you know, yeah, so it's good to think about that, to aspire to a higher lifestyle. And what I really was taking away from that is it has something to do with self worth, right? Like I'm worth it to have more and strive for more, rather than, you know, surviving where you are afraid to make any you know you're barely making it. You're afraid to do anything else or differently. So, yeah,

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 25:29

yeah, yeah, exactly like even something, like starting a podcast. It's it takes self worth, because no one is forcing you, no one would force you, like you have to do this, right? It takes like, a level of like, I want to do this for whatever the reason is, and then it takes the self worth, because there's like 1000 reasons not to do it, but as long as you have that one strong reason to do it, that self worth right there.

TD Flenaugh: 25:58

So do you have your podcast out already,

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 26:02

yes, I just start that's what made me bring it up.

TD Flenaugh: 26:05

Tell us about it is the

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 26:08

secret formula of femininity, and it's geared towards women who really want to thrive again in their relationships and just in how they feel about themselves and being able to live a softer life, a life where they just get to enjoy and be feminine, be happy, be joyful and have healthy relationships. I

TD Flenaugh: 26:31

love that. So the soft life, you know, again, more about the thriving, less about like just struggling. So good. Yeah. So we are going to in the show notes. We have all these information. If you've got value, please take time and subscribe and like so, yeah. So what are some final takeaways that you could tell parents who may be dealing with that trauma themselves or they see that their child is dealing with it, I would

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 27:01

say, do not. It does not mean you're failing as a parent. Actually, the fact that you observe and you want to get help for your child, it means you're doing a that's what the job of a parent is. So don't look at it as a failure because your child has gone through something. Think about the importance of getting them help and have compassion for yourself and the difficulties. You know, I work with a lot of parents who, like their kids, might be struggling. You also have to take time and just not blame yourself, not take it personally, have some compassion for yourself. And yeah, I think I would end with what you said earlier, that just because time has passed doesn't mean the trauma or the adverse experience is just automatically healed. Like you have to do some stuff. It doesn't have to be a lot, right? But you really have to be willing to take some healing steps so that you and your child can be in a better place.

TD Flenaugh: 28:05

All right, so we know about your book, your podcast. Where else can people find you?

Dr. Nicole Monteiro: 28:11

You can find me on Instagram. I am Dr Nicole. You can go to my web website, which is Dr Nicole montero.com Yeah. You can message me on any of those. You can find me on YouTube. Is Dr Nicole Montero, and anywhere you find me, if you want to get in touch with me, just message me, and I'm very responsive.

TD Flenaugh: 28:35

All right. Thank you all so much for joining us today. Thank you, Dr Nicole Montero, thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast. New Episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm you can watch us on youtube.com at falling for learning or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify and much more. For more resources, visit falling in love with learning.com we really appreciate you. Have a wonderful week.