Stop Overparenting: Let Your Kids Face Consequences! For Parents | Episode 45

Are you often caught in the dilemma of whether to shield your kids from the harsh realities of life or let them face the consequences of their actions? Dive into this transformative episode of the "Falling for Learning" podcast, where we explore the pivotal theme of "Stop Overparenting: Let Your Kids Face Consequences!" 

In today's fast-paced world, the line between guiding and overprotecting our children can often blur. This episode provides a compelling narrative on the importance of allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. We discuss five critical ways parents might unintentionally set their children up for failure, from eliminating all obstacles in their path to robbing them of essential growth opportunities by handling every challenge for them.

Learn about the long-term benefits of embracing a balanced approach that fosters resilience and accountability in our young ones. Our discussion extends beyond the home to educational settings, emphasizing the evolving strategies in schools that impact children’s development and the urgent need for a holistic approach to education and well-being.

Tune in to "Falling for Learning" for empowering discussions on personal growth and navigating the path of education! We drop new episodes every Saturday at 5:00 PM. Follow us on Instagram @fallingforlearning for live Q&A sessions and more educational resources. Let's empower ourselves and our children to create a more accountable and responsible future.

#ConsequencesForBehavior #InstillingResponsibility #StopOverparenting #ChildDisciplineTips #ConsequencesVsPunishment

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:50 - Avoiding Consequences
11:36 - Overparenting Mistakes
14:08 - Legacy Storytelling
17:00 - Accepting Life's Unfairness
22:05 - Dangers of Over Scheduling
24:09 - Achievement and Perfection Focus
28:10 - Top 5 Parenting Pitfalls
30:25 - Closing Remarks

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:00

Five ways you are setting up your kids for failure, doing everything for them fixing all their problems. That negative effect is that kids naturally push boundaries, question everyone except what your child did... The outcome, they're going to be pretty crappy people. Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Falling for Learning Podcast, please hit the subscribe button, we're here for you. And you want to stick with this channel. If you have teens and tweens, or you're a caregiver, right, maybe a parent might be a caregiver, and you want to know what to do to keep them on track for learning and stay on track for success. Hit the subscribe button. You are setting up your kids for failure. This podcast episode is going to feature five ways that parents are setting their children up for failure. This podcast episode is going to focus on ways that we are unfortunately setting up our teens and tweens for failure. Number one, the number one way that we're setting up our kids for failure is we are not giving them consequences. Now we know back in the day, there were consequences for everything we're getting our butts whipped, you know, some people will tell the story about and I didn't grow up this way. But how the neighbor might, you know, give you a spanking or a whippin' or whatever you want to call it. Your parents give you one your daddy, your mom, whatever. So I'm not. Not encouraging that or suggesting that. But consequences just could be natural. And a lot of us are on the side, we were not even giving our kids any consequences when they do something wrong. And this is so problematic in so many different ways that negative effect is that kids naturally push boundaries. So if they're not getting in trouble for the little things, right, then eventually it'll be out of our hands. And they'll be getting punished, right for it might have been something getting like a little small thing, then they might you know, instead of doing a, they'll be doing a crime, they will be committing instead of a misdemeanor, a felony like I'm getting hyperbolic a little bit but at the same time, I'm not like literally kids will push the boundaries until they can't anymore. And think about ourselves like, would we be getting up and going to work every day? If we could get paid anyway, and we could get everything that we want it? No, probably not. We have to be accountable for what we do, and how we do it. And that is how we grow and we become responsible. And we're really not giving our children that chance to be responsible people when they don't have consequences for what they do. And those consequences also help them to sit and reflect about what they did. And to give them an opportunity to do better next time. It is noteworthy that schools have even shifted away from consequences. Now, when I first became an educator, teachers told me that the pendulum swings in education, meaning that we might be at one extreme and one error of education and my career. And we'll switch to a whole different opposite right and opposite effect. And that's where we are what consequences, probably around 2008 or so kids were getting expelled from school for bringing a toy gun. So they were out of the district. major problems, right, that creates so many issues. If they talk back to the teacher, they're getting suspended. So it was very much on the opposite side here we've swung all the way to where there's really not consequences. Now part of that push was to have restorative justice. So kids with a lot of black kids, kids of color, were getting suspended and expelled, even becoming part of the justice system early because of minor infractions in school. Now, it's minor, but maybe they did it 10 times they were talking back to the teacher 10 times. And so then now they're part of, you know, you have to go to court, and whatever. They're expelled, they're kicked out of this particular school. So you know, really major consequences for small things that kids were doing and And we're now to the point where we want it to, again, a lot of people. And I think it's wonderful that they've eliminated some of those really draconian type of consequences. But the issue is some people have gone the other extreme, where there's no consequences for whatever it kid does, which again, we are creating more and more problems, because the kids are getting into more serious trouble, because we're basically ignoring every little thing that they do, when we could nip some of this behavior, or these negative habits in the bud by giving little natural consequences to the issues, right. Not criminalizing our kids, not making them a villain like this is just who you are as a person. But addressing that behavior, and helping the kid to grow, learn and reflect. But, again, that was about school, just so you'll know that if your kid is going to a school, then they may be bringing some of those habits home that were not corrected at school. And so even more own, you know, even more of an onus is on parents to make sure that they take care of these issues, and give their kids consequences and make sure that they're growing and reflecting on what they are doing their habits and their behaviors. So natural consequences could be as simple as you are not going to have your report at school today. Right? So instead of me going back home, directly my day giving the report that the child left at home, giving it to them, you know, their natural consequences is they will have to turn that report in late, maybe their teacher won't accept it late, you know, whatever those, whatever that is, they are going to face the consequence. And we might feel uncomfortable with this sometimes, because we want to really be loving parents and supportive parent, I'm all for that. We want to be loving, we want to be supportive. But what we don't want to do is get ourselves into the habit of fixing all their problems, so that they don't have any consequences. And then even thinking about how you're handling other people who give them consequences. There is a lot of information out there. And I've seen it firsthand, where people want to blame the teacher for everything that their child does. Well, I know he hit somebody else. But what was the other kid? What were the other kids doing? What were those? What was the teacher doing when he hits someone? So it's really, you know, you know, you're gonna question everyone except what your child did. And I know, I love my kid too. And I've been accused more than once, of standing up for my kid when I should have just really been making sure they're facing consequence. Consequences. And I reflect it and I've worked on that. And I am you know, just trying to be honest with you, you have to do that too. Because the outcome if we do not give our kids consequences, and we're always vilifying whoever's trying to give him consequences as well, is that we're going to have kids that are going to be they're going to lack a lot of character, and personality traits that are admirable. So that's all that to say, is there going to be pretty crappy people, unfortunately, unless they're just intrinsically a good, you know, they don't do what they're supposed to do. They're going to be pretty crappy people, because they're not going to be accountable. And they never were accountable, and they won't care, you know. So it's, it's a big issue. And relationships are going to be a problem for them. Because they're going to be there. They're not going to be a reliable person. Because they're, they don't care, right, there's nothing to have made them care. And we don't want that from our kids. We love our kids. And these are little things that we could do to help them so they just won't get certain things by they may not be able to go to their friend's house, if they're not doing what they said they were going to do. They said we're going to clean their room, their rooms, not clean. They said they're going to clean it by Friday, both go to their friend's house on Friday after school. You're not going your rooms not clean. Now, sometimes parents sometimes your child's punishment is also your punishment, because let's be honest, sometimes that Friday night when they're gonna go to their friend's house was you going to go to a happy hour or something like that with your with your girlfriends, with your with your pals, your friends, right, that was your hangout time. Maybe you just need to relax and decompress from the week and you're just gonna watch TV and just be chilling and not worried about you know, feeding the kids or whatever you need to do as a parent, right? You're going to be off and that is what it is. I've been punished many times by my own punishment against, you know, for my daughter. And that's, that's, that's what it is. That is part of our sacrifices parents, but we don't want to get to the point where the punishments are out of our hands. And it's in the police's hands, it's in a court in a jury's hands. Because over the time, they've missed 1000 punishments, because we just couldn't bring ourselves to, you know, actually parent. Right? We can't do that to ourselves, and we can't do it to our kids. So yes, you didn't get that night out, that you were supposed to have get your kid was supposed to have, but your kid didn't do what they're supposed to do. It's okay, you will have days that you could look back. And you could sit back and feel the rewards of that time when you doubled down and made sure your child had a consequence for their behavior. Because later on, you will reap rewards. Just like I said, if you don't do it, there's you know, you don't give them consequences. And they're pretty crappy people who are doing things that are ridiculous and are irresponsible, you will have the opposite effect, if you will have these great people, these wonderful human beings that you've raised, that are responsible, and they are giving you benefits later on, that's what will happen. I know firsthand, firsthand knowledge, honey. So it may feel crappy, when that night out is canceled, because you had to cancel Christmas on your baby. But guess what it's gonna pay off. And it's gonna pay off. All right, I'm sorry. Anyway, the second thing that we have we're doing to set our kids up for failure is we're doing everything for them. Right? They don't have to remember to charge their iPad that charge their phone to get when they go into the shower. They don't remember to bring a towel, you make sure you get a towel for them. You set out their clothes, you're doing everything for your sweet little baby. And yes, they're sweet little babies. But guess what our job is to work ourselves out of a job. That means that we are not needed, right. And I always follow this up with saying, we still want to keep our relationship with our kids. But we should be a nine like we should, they shouldn't need us anymore. Right? Your parent doesn't have to wake you up. Like I hope not your parents have to wake you up to go to work, you know, to go to your appointments or whatever are we handling that ourselves moms and dads out there. So yeah, we that's what we want our kids to do be independent. So we can't do everything for them. And we have to have these conversations with them. You are in fourth grade, now you are going to make your own lunch for school. You are in this great now you are this old now. Now I'm expecting you to keep your room clean. So every Wednesday, your role needs to be clean, I will do a room check every Wednesday and it's supposed to be cleaned. Whatever it is, set those benchmarks for your kids so that they are becoming more and more independent. I am not any longer reminding you to brush your teeth. But by eight o'clock at night, I know that I need to know that you have brushed your teeth. Whatever it is, you are working yourself out of a job and think about those benchmarks for your child that they're need to be doing. And you can reflect on some of the things you did independently as a as a child as you were growing up. Or maybe not because some of us were given too much responsibility as youngsters and we were our our siblings, mamas and daddies, you know, Sarah, get mom and dads or whatever. So you don't want to give them too much responsibility. But think about what that balance might be. All over the United States 75% of children don't know how to write well. Add that to the fact that so many people out there are trying to silence the voices of those who have been oppressed and trying to prevent them from telling their story. Who's going to tell your story. If your child doesn't know how to write well, I have two books to address this issue. The rewrite method and the rewrite method workbook returned to make sure that parents know what to do that educators know what to do to get their children to write better, and just not write better but love to write. Make sure that your next generation could tell their story and they won't be silenced. Go to falling for learning.com today to purchase your set. Join us for well educated Wednesdays, every Wednesday on Instagram Live at falling for learning. It is a free parent question and answer session where parents can ask questions, learn about resources, strategies and tips to make sure their children are on track for learning, and stay on track for success. That's every Wednesday on Instagram Live at falling for learning, we look forward to seeing you and helping the next generation thrive. And, you know, we will have our blog with some, you know, resources for you to look up to see like what are some good benchmarks at certain ages for your kids, and setting those benchmarks, those goalposts for your kids to become more and more independent, is essential to their development. Right, we're working ourselves out of a job, we are not doing everything for them. And a lot of a lot of us do, I charge your iPad, I was set to close out, I washed your clothes, and they're leaving the house. And they have not done anything. You're just there like a queen or a princess or whatever you've you've got their coat, their hat, their gloves, you got all the little essentials, you've organized their stuff made their lunch, just place it in their hand, they're walking out the door. And later on that is going to be such a problem. Because they're supposed to be college and career ready to someone have to tell them everything they're supposed to do. Are we preparing our kids to be the boss or be bossed around? They sit with that? Are we preparing them to be the boss or to be bossed around? Right? Independence is important. The third thing that we're doing that is setting our kids up for failure is we're lying to them. We need to tell our kids the true life isn't fair. And things don't always work out the way we want them to. Definitely not the first time. And so having those conversations with our kids is going to help them become resilient. Wise, right savvy to what's going on. Because, you know, otherwise, we're just setting them up for disappointment when we could let them know. And they gave those little, those little taste of disappointment rather than this huge disappointment because we've lied to them about different things. Some of our children have aspirations, they want to be an NBA player, they want to be a football player, but they won't go to football practice on a regular basis. They don't give their 100% in for football, you know, there, they are wanting to be a doctor, whatever, but they're not studying, there's different things that they need to do to prepare for the future that they want. And if they're not doing that, we need to be truthful and honest with them about that. Some things are just physical, you know, I'm not quite five foot one. And it's not it wasn't impossible. If I wanted to be a basketball player, I wasn't an into basketball, by the way. But it wasn't impossible. But just being honest, if that's what your child is, like, there are some challenges for you physically to do certain things. So you don't want to say it's impossible, but you want to tell them that it's gonna be hard. And that means you got to work extra hard to get it done. And if they're not willing to put in the work, they need to know that they are not on the right path. You don't want to set them up for failure. And just tell them everything is wonderful, and everything is great. And if you are, you know, going back to number two, where you're not doing everything for them, you're setting them up to do doing more things themselves. Maybe you have them, you know, you pay them to wash your car or something like that. But let's say they, you know, half assed, it. It's not very good job. You know, that's your kid, you want to still pay them the $15 $20 Whatever you say it, but you want to be honest with them, if you want to, and they're saying they're an entrepreneur, they're going to start this job you want to tell them, This is not up to par. And let me show you the places where this is still dusty here. You didn't clean the windows, whatever. So point those things out to them. You want to tell them everything is trash, you could tell them some positives that they did, but you also want to be truthful about you know, you're not really going to be able to compete if this is how you do things. If you're going to do it better. You're gonna make A Better Choice next time, you know, you're going to be more pay attention to detail, otherwise, I can't continue to pay you, because I want my car a certain way, and you're not doing that. So be honest with them about what's going on. That also goes to your limitations, if you are not going to be able to bet buy them a BMW, and they're asking for a BMW, you know, let them know, like, I can't afford that. Don't be disappointed when it comes in Christmas, because I'm not getting it for you, I don't have it to give you. So be honest with them. Because it's worse for them to be all like it have these inflated dreams and everything and like, oh, yeah, I don't, you know, I'm gonna get a BMW, that's what I'm gonna get. And then you don't have it and it comes, you're gonna be so disappointed when you could just tell them early on, guess what, we don't have money for that, we're not going to do that. But I can help you come up with a plan for making money, or in the future, or this is a better choice to spend your money on than a BMW. And these are the reasons why be honest, this helps your children, again, to be able to face disappointment, and to keep moving, right? To be able to understand that they're not special in the way that hard times are going to come to them things, they're going to have limitations, that's what they need to know, this is what part of life and if they don't know that, they're gonna have a lot of problems being disappointed. But if they know that failure and disappointment is part of life, and they will be able to get past it and move on and have better times, then that's going to help bolster them for the future. And that's what you want. That will help them preserve relationships, they don't think all relationships are supposed to be perfect, they could accept people being imperfect in their lives. And they could work through some challenges with their friend or with their romantic partners. So it really affects a lot if they are used to not hearing the truth. So our fourth way that we set up our kids for failure is over scheduling and over structuring their lives. Right, because I know that we have a lot of goals for our kids, our kids may have a lot of goals, but if we are giving them too many tasks, and too many responsibilities, they are not going to be able to fulfill it. And we are setting them up for failure. So making a realistic schedule for them, giving them some downtime by they should not have to have a you know, a, you know, a very busy schedule every day of the week. So seven days a week, they have an activity, they have an appointment, they have a practice, they have a who too much to let, being able to have some downtime gives them creativity gives them some time to have fun, gives their life balance, we need balance, we don't want to be working every day of the week. And neither should our children. So help them to have a childhood, don't set them up for failure by giving them all these things that they need to be doing. And that also as they get older, they will also be scheduling themselves for things that aren't possible to fit in the schedule, where where they do everything, you know, half poorly, everything's done poorly, because, you know, there's too much that they have going on. And also, again, this goes back to telling them about limitations. So you can't be a part of soccer, football and track, you know, figure out one of them that you're going to do or two of them or whatever it is like having real conversations about what is manageable and what's not manageable, because they are people in humans who want to have fun, and who also need downtime and arrest to fully function. Okay, so very much an essential part of their development is knowing what is realistic for their schedule and for their time. Number five, the way to set up our kids for failure is over into emphasis on achievement and perfection. Now, as a recovering perfectionist, I do have to say, you know, this is one of them, number one ways to knock a kid out into the failure range, right? Because these, the expectation to be perfect is not attainable. It's not and making them you know, nitpicking them about what they didn't do and how they could do it better. And how it could be done better is a number one way to make them feel like failures, and it really affects their mental health. Right. They're literally going to drive themselves crazy trying to meet Your expectations are there earn realistic and attainable expectations. And that's where we'll find the kids who are high achievers, high achievers committing suicide. We'll find kids who are very much high achievers dying by suicide, because they just could never fulfill this ideal in their head. They can never fulfill it. And they feel like failures, even though they have lots of accolades, lots of achievements, right. So we have to make sure that we are bolstering our children with positive feedback. And then when they do something wrong, when they make when they have a failure, when they have a setback, we are talking to them about how that's just part of life. And we tell them about our own setbacks, we tell them about our own instances of failure. And that will help them to be resilient. And to be an honest, an honest critique of them's an honest person that critiques themselves in a healthy way. It's honest to you know, it's great to be able to critique yourself in a healthy way, and not to tear yourself down. Because a lot of times, the worst critic that we can have in our lives is ourselves. A lot of times with hold ourselves back from our highest achievements, as ourselves, we talk ourselves out of our high achievements. We talk ourselves out of our blessings, and, and in really fulfilling our destiny, and walking in our purpose. And we want to help our kids to overcome that. And the way we help them overcome that is helping them know that they are human, that they make mistakes, that we are human, that we make mistakes that this person over here is human that they make mistakes, and it's okay. Right. And it's going to be okay. And you still love them, despite they didn't do perfectly, and they didn't fulfill everything, and letting them know that over and over again and reminding them and pointing out that I've made a mistake, and I'm sorry about that, or whatever, we'll help them to also embrace themselves for who they are human people that are flawed, that make mistakes, and that are never going to be perfect, right. So do not set yourself up your child up for failure. Because if they're holding themselves against a perfect measuring stick, they're never going to make that. And again, that's where we see those kids falling the hardest, because they've done all kinds of things. Right? But because it can't be perfect. They will, you know. Yeah, is so one of the saddest things that I've you know, that we've seen happen with kids who are high achieving, that they just can't be perfect, and they die by suicide, and it's just a tragedy. So let's go back to the top the top five ways that we are setting our kids up for failure, we're not giving them consequences. We are doing everything for our kids. Number two, doing everything for our kids, we are robbing them of their ability to become independent, self sufficient. gain self efficacy, right? The number three reason that we set up our children for failure, we lie to them, we don't tell them the truth. And so when the truth slaps them in the face, because they're not used to hearing the truth, or they don't know what real, what's real and what's not, right, so telling them the truth, or for the way that we're setting our kids up for failure, over scheduling them and over structuring their time. So they don't have any downtime. They don't have any time to just be kids to just have fun, just to have creative time. And, you know, sets them up for being stressed out all the time, and not being happy. And then the last reason, the worst way to set our kids up for failure is holding them accountable for being perfect. And over emphasizing their achievement. Instead of letting them know that they're not perfect. They're never going to be perfect. And no one else around them is and we love them flaws and all right. And some people say warts and all right, and then them giving them a chance to love themselves and you know, have a positive mental balance because they're not holding themselves up to perfection, but they're loving themselves for who they are. I So much appreciate you joining us on this falling for learning podcast. Like, subscribe, follow us, right? We are going to make sure that you know what to do to get your kid on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful week. Thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast. New episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm. You can watch us on youtube.com@fallingforlearning or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify, and much more. For more resources visit fallinginlovewithlearning.com We really appreciate you have a wonderful week.