Navigating Teen Talks: Strategies for Effective Communication | Episode 36

Get TD's newly released books:

1. The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method: The Parent and Educator Guide for Getting Middle Schoolers to Fall in Love With Writing -  https://a.co/d/7DDN95v

2. The R.E.W.R.I.T.E. Method Workbook: The Parent and Educator Action Plan for Getting Middle Schoolers to Fall in Love With Writing - https://a.co/d/bFd0ncY

Episode Summary:
In this episode, we delve into the intricate world of parenting teens and tweens, navigating through communication hurdles, setting boundaries with natural consequences, and empowering our children to think independently.

Host T.D. Flenaugh, educator and mother, shines a light on the crucial aspect of communication with teens and tweens. Highlighting the significance of active listening and empathetic understanding, she offers insightful strategies to bridge the communication gap. From setting clear expectations to establishing designated timeframes for tasks, T.D. Flenaugh advocates for open conversations that foster mutual respect and connection.

Moving forward, our discussion shifts to parenting with natural consequences, as T.D. Flenaugh champions an approach that allows teens and tweens to mature through experiential learning. By exploring the concept of privileges over punitive measures, she encourages parents to tailor rewards to their child's interests, fostering motivation and responsibility.

Empowerment takes center stage as we explore T.D. Flenaugh's perspective on nurturing independent thinkers. Through acknowledging and embracing their flaws, parents can provide the space for teens to cultivate their identity while nurturing a foundation of trust and respect.

Lastly, she dives into the realm of trust-building and leadership opportunities within the family dynamic. T.D. Flenaugh emphasizes the importance of parental authenticity and flexibility, urging parents to lead by example and engage their children's interests to foster a positive learning environment.

Tune in to the Falling for Learning Podcast for this enriching episode! 🎧 #ParentingTeens #CommunicationStrategies #EmpoweringYouth

Transcript

TD Flenaugh: 0:00

You really need to know your child and be in communication with your child so you know what they like. And you know what they don't like, you can tell what matters to them. And that changes all the time because they aren't changing a lot during this time period. So figure out what they like, and what's interesting to them. And that'll help you to really connect what what they want. And having them look forward to if you could show me you could do this consistently, and keep your room clean without me telling you have your room clean by five o'clock on Saturday, without me telling you, then I'm going to give you the privilege to, and again, that depends on the kid. Hi, thank you so much for joining the Falling for Learning Podcast, I am TD Flenaugh. We have this podcast to help parents and caregivers with having the resources strategies, and tools needed to make sure that their children are on track for learning and to stay on track for success. Thank you for joining the falling for learning podcast. Today we're going to discuss communication issues with teens and tweens. This is an issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes people want to ignore it. So we're going to talk about some strategies for addressing these issues. So that the communication lines stay open. And that parents can continue to support their children and be a source, a source of support. And, you know, if those communication lines break down, that is something that is not able to be- it's an issue that can't be traversed. So we got to really talk about how to do it, how to keep in, you know, in tune with our students, our children, and strategies that can be used when there is a breakdown. So first of all, as kids are going through all of these issues in their lives, you know, they may be having romantic feelings for the first time, but there's just a range of issues that they're dealing with. And you know, sometimes with that generation gap, there is a misunderstanding, there are just children being different than you are, and not understanding what their needs are. What we really want to say, first of all, is reserve judgment. So you want to listen to what they're going through what their feelings are. And you may disagree with the feelings, you may think it's not important. But obviously, it's very important to them, it's something that has them upset, something they came to you to talk to them about. So just reserve judgment, listen to them. And, and really let them get their ideas out. Ask them questions. If you're feeling some concern, you could ask questions. But again, really tried to reserve the judgment, really avoid that. Next thing that I want to say is with nagging, you know, sometimes they are going through some rebellion, and they don't do what you ask them to do right away. So what you want to think about is how you can get them to do the things that you want them to do shall responsibility be helpful around the home without nagging them. So one way to do this is still have conversations with them, even though you've seen them, and they have not done what you asked them to do. You could just still see how they're how things are going on in their life. How are you doing? How are you feeling today? You know, what's going on with you? What are some things that you like, or you don't like, so having a short conversation with them, is gonna make a difference. And you can maintain a connection with them. And, you know, eventually, you want to make sure you ask them, you know, why they haven't done what they've done? What is the you know, barrier that stopping them. And you may avoid the nagging by actually giving them a specific time for something to be done. So if you want to be done by 5pm, one Saturday, perfect, you know, it's a very clear time than it needs to be done. And it is easier to have them have a set time that it needs to be done so that you're not constantly asking them to ask you to clean up your room. But you know, maybe give him a couple of days, especially if you know that your child is very busy. They have lots of schedules, as far as engagement and activities and all of that going on sports, extracurricular activity, maybe they're working outside of the home, all kinds of things that they are engaged in. Then you want to make sure that you give them some time and that you give them a set time to get it done. It might be strategic for you to get Give them a time, like I said, 5pm on Saturday or something like that, before they have an important event that they want to do. So that is very clear that you know, their expectation your expectations were met before, they want to get something, you know, when they want to go out and do something, and you may want to attach the consequences to him. If you've had a communication breakdown, you might reserve that if the you know, if it's just a really negative path to the relationship right now, you may want to reserve that for later. But tying it to the expectation to what they desire is a good way to keep those communication lines open and avoid nagging them. But really having clear expectations for a date and time when you want things done. You know, they want you want them to fulfill their responsibilities. And now another issue that you want to have is some natural consequences, sometimes we get mad, and we will, you know, throw the book at them, you know, the proverbial book, like think about all kinds of things you can take away from them and do against them, because they didn't do what we told them to do. But maybe instead you're thinking about some natural consequences that they have to deal with, that's related to whatever they have done. So if you're telling them to get their things ready to go to wherever they need to go ahead of time, and they don't, instead, they wait to the last minute, then you can make it a case where you decide to tell them, You know what, you're not reminding them, you're not going to help them get their book that they left, or they report that they left. And so they'll just have to say that natural consequences of not having their work in on time, or not having what they need. Maybe they have, you know, soccer equipment that they didn't get ready ahead of time. And then they want you to get it for them because they forgot. And nope, I'm not getting it for you, you know, maybe you want them to get their lunch ahead of time, and then they don't have their lunch. And then you know, they want you to give them some lunch money, we know that our kids aren't going to starve to death. And so there'll be okay, they'll be uncomfortable. And maybe they'll find a way to get food from their friends or I don't know. But those natural consequences are going to go a long way in their life. Because as adults, we're all about natural consequences, right? Obviously, if we don't pay our light bill by a certain time that light is going off, right? So it's not just, you know, someone's there to nag us or tell us what to do. Or, you know, say we can't go out because we didn't pay a light bill, our light bill will be turned off. So having your teens and tweens experience natural consequences can be a great way for them to mature and really reflect on what they need to do for themselves. So you are at this stage of their life kind of backing up a little bit, and not saving them from every thing that they do. But again, experiencing those natural consequences so that they are understanding what happens when they don't fulfill their responsibilities. So I know, especially we have a communication breakdown. And there's a lot of you know, issues between the family, which happens, it's pretty normal for teens and tweens, depending on the child to you know, have some back and forth really negative kind of had a relationship. So what you want to think about is thinking about privileges that you can give them. And I know we're more thankful we get upset, we want to take things away, and they know you're able to do this and are able to do that. But instead let's think about what privileges can they have, and negotiating with them or discussing with them. And then even saying, like, if you're able to do this consistently, you can earn this privilege. And you really need to know your child and be in communication with your child so you know what they like, and you know what they don't like, you can tell what matters to them. And that changes all the time because they aren't changing a lot during this time period. So figure out what they like and what's interesting to them. And that'll help you to really connect what what they want and having them look forward to if you could show me you could do this consistently keep your room clean without me telling you have your room clean by five o'clock on Saturday, without me telling you that I'm going to give you the privilege to and again that depends on the kid it might be. You get to stay out instead of in until nine o'clock. You could stay out to 10 o'clock. You can you got to really figure out what that is for your child. Play video games two hours, on this particular day, instead of one day, you have to think about it is really tailored to the kids. So those are couple little ideas. But what matters to your kid, right, they might be get their license, and they might be able to use your car or I don't know. And it could be a short term thing, where it could be something, you know, make sure I buy you a car, or I'll give you half of the car that you save up for, or something. So just think about what that privilege is that they could earn, that fits into what they want. And it fits into the needs of the family. And, you know, that'll give the child something to work for, and something to look forward for, rather than thinking about things we could take away from them. And it's really important. I know, during this time they have, there's a lot of high stakes going on with their schooling. So it's easy to focus in on school every time you see your child like how is those grades going? How's your work going? In that class? Do you have your project due to have your materials, and I got a call that you didn't turn in this assignment. And you know, if you're a busy parent, your child's a very busy kid with lots of activities. It's very easy to make everything that you talk about having to do with school and responsibilities. But make sure you take time to have them just talk about their interests. And what's going on with them. It's very important. Just making make it a habit to ask like what's going on? How are you and your friends doing? Do you have any fun events going on with your friends coming up? What kind of music are you listening to right now? If your child is an avid reader, like what what are you reading lately? What things have you seen on social media that you think are interesting? You know, talking to them about world events, or whatever is interesting to them. And again, that is very much tailored to your child. So here's a couple of ideas. However, we really got to make sure it fits what your child wants, they might be into video games, so you find out the video game that they're interested in. And again, that's going to change, the same video game that they were playing eight years ago, has been maybe a totally different video game. Or it might be even two years ago, or maybe a year ago, and maybe a totally different video game. Or it might be a an update that really revolutionizes how they were playing before. So again, try to keep your finger on the pulse of what's going on with your child by having those conversations that are not related to their responsibilities that are not related to their school. You're connecting with them on a personal level and getting to know them. And of course, you think, Oh, I know my child, I have birthed them, whatever it is, however, they are changing a lot. And their interests are changing. And even what the words they're using is changing their way of seeing the world even changes during this time. Right? During this time, you know, they start looking at us in a critical way and in kind of seeing some flaws in us and questioning what we do or why we do what we do. And again, that's natural, which is very annoying, obviously very annoying, but it's just a natural part of their progression as humans. They are going to question us and they're going to look at us with more of a critical lens rather than Oh, that's my mom. And, you know, my mom said... Hello, parents. All across the United States, we have students who don't know how to read well and who don't know how to write well. Now, I'm not here to shame you, but I am here to blame you. If your child is behind, it is partially your responsibility and your fault. That next generation needs to be the one that's telling your story, not other people, not other families, not other races or ethnicities. Your family needs to be able to tell your story. And if your child can't write well, who's going to tell your story. I have written two books to help address these issues. It is the REWRITE Method: The Parent and Educator Guide for Getting Middle Schoolers to Fall in Love With Writing and the REWRITE Method Workbook: The Parent and Educator Action Plan for Getting Middle Schoolers to Fall in Love With Writing. This book gives you step by step and easy to use and implement activities to make sure that your child not only gets better at writing, but loves to write. Minus four well educated Wednesdays every Wednesday on Instagram Live at falling for learning it is a free parent question and answer session where parents can ask questions, learn about resources, strategies and tips to make sure their children are on track for learning and stay on track for success. That's every Wednesday on Instagram Live@fallingforlearning, we look forward to seeing you, and helping the next generation thrive. And my mom's right, they started looking at us with a more critical lens. And, you know, that's just adults should be looking at things, with critical lenses instead of just following everything, and they're developing their own self identity, different from you. And it may be even distinct from their friends. They'll be able to start noticing, okay, this friend very studious, I'm more of a sports person, or whatever it is, that is unique to them. And being comfortable with that, the differences instead of, oh, I need to do exactly what my friend is doing or believing exactly what my mom believes or listening to exactly what my mom says. So it's very important that we think about giving them that space and asking them and engaging with them. So we get to know them and keep our fingertips on the pulse of what's going on with them, we really know what's going on with them. It's hard. It's hard. We don't want to give up our authority and our power to our kids. But the truth is that we are supposed to be preparing them to be independent, independent thinkers, to people who can function the world independently do the right things, right. So we have to slowly but surely, think about how we could give them more independence, how we could loosen the reins a little bit. And it's scary, a lot of us are very protective of our children, we're worried about, you know, people out there. You know, we're worried about people out there who might do things to them, or they'll be caught up in the wrong situation. But if you keep that relationship intact, where you can talk to them, when you can talk to them about things they're interested in, you relate to them on a social level about things that they're interested in, and things that they like, and not just about responsibilities in school, you have kept the trust in place where they can seek you as a source of support. Because when the communication breakdown comes and their trust breakdown comes, then they don't look to you for support anymore. They don't ask you for your advice. And that's a very dangerous place to be because where are they getting advice from? You know, you know, as well as I do, when you're a teenager, your teenager friends don't know anything. And, and really, that's a lot of times who they turn to their teenage friends who are also in they're young and dumb phase. So by slowly loosening reins, and pointing out areas where they could have leadership, pointing out ways where we can negotiate certain things I'm not gonna negotiate on but I will negotiate with this, this and this, right? Really making sure that you stay a Arey a person that because they can look to for support. They can go to you they can talk to you're not inflexible, you're not just someone who's trying to control them all the time. You don't care about what their feelings were or their thoughts. So these are things that we hear from teens and tweens about their parents. And, and that really breaks things down. You also need to be really aware that because they're looking at us with a critical eye, now, they are noticing things about us. And guess what, we're human. So you're gonna look for us for flaws. They're there. It's there, we're going to have flaws. But what really is going to speak loudly to them is how your actions are when it comes to your flaws. Are you just going to act like you don't have flows? Are you going to address your flaws? Are you going to apologize? Are you going to own when you mess up? Because even though they're not babies anymore, who just follow you around and listen to everything that you do and say even though they don't say they're still looking to us, and they still are depending on us. And so it is very important. So as we're thinking about talking to our children about what they like and what they don't like, and we getting really staying in engaged with them on a social level. We can be again to find things that they like, and bring it to their attention, new stories, new movies, new articles, new trends, social media post, and really engage them and further exploration of what it is, whatever it is that they say that they like, or they're interested in already. So you're not just talking to them about and ask them questions about it. But when you find things that relate to what they like, then you know, you will bring that magazine with that artist on the cover of it that they like you would talk to them about a new book released by that, that singer, that songwriter that they're interested in, you would talk about a new movie that's out that features them or features a topic that they discuss on the album or in the book or in the video game that they engage in. So all of that is going to show them that you care about what they're interested in, and you're taking notice of them. So that helps to form that bond. And to keep that bond strong, right. So really making sure that you take notice of what they like, and finding different things that relate to what they like, and engaging them in conversation about it. Really, really important. And what I also want you to think about and shifting to the next part is thinking about how you could give them opportunities to show leadership. So we talked about giving them more privileges, or working themselves up to privileges, giving them very clear guidelines on how to earn new privileges. But thinking about how they could show leadership, can you help us organize this family gathering? Can you help us find out the best movie time to go, we're gonna go to a movie as a family, or who has the best prices for groceries, or where we could find T shirts that we can get for a family reunion, anything like that where they could show their leadership, they can show their expertise. And of course, it may be something that they're already interested in interested in like artist artistic endeavors, they could design a t shirt for the family union or something like that. But it could be something that maybe you don't know if they have the skill in it. But you could help stretch them and say like, Well, can you help me figure out how to get this done. And they might discover a new skill or something like that, that they have, where they're just learning because that's what life is about right? Learning having new experiences, facing challenges. And so give them some opportunity to show leadership and creativity. And let them know that you trust them to be able to figure it out. And of course, you'll give them some guidance and advice. But they are the lead and really give them opportunities to say, you know, what do you think and you might tell them what you think and say but you know, ultimately, it's your choice, what you think is the best. But these are a couple of reasons why I like this choice better than the other one. But I trust your judgment, you know, giving them time or you tell them you trust them. And you actually let them make decisions and take the lead on different projects that are in the family. They can be small things as far as like, you know, order the food for the family, or it could be larger projects, such as designing a t shirt or a design or a flyer or something for a family event coming up or celebration of a family member, you know, when they have those milestone birthdays or different things like that. It's really important. Yeah, so it's really important to think about how we can do that. When or can we give our children opportunities to show their leadership and to show that we trust them with their leadership? Yeah, it's good. So. And the last part, which, you know, we may or may not want to do is thinking about negotiating, like, how can we negotiate with our children? And because what they're going to do is test the boundaries, of course, right, you're going to test the boundaries, you're not going to want to do what we want to do, they're going to start looking at us with a critical lens, but also looking at some of the rules and expectations we have with them with the critical lense And so are there times when you can negotiate with them. So when so when the big breakdowns come is when children find that we are not we're inflexible, like we will not compromise with them on anything. And that's where we get the big rebellion and pushback. So you really want to think about how you might give them some negotiation, and maybe there are certain things you're not negotiating with, but then think about other places and opportunities that you can negotiate and you can think through. Okay, you can have this choice, you can have that choice. Um, and and be open to dialogue. But if our teens think that there's no way that they can negotiate with us, there's no leeway, we're inflexible, then we have a big communication breakdown. And kids really don't want to, they start engaged, they stop engaging, they don't want to maybe deal with this. So even though we are thinking about, you know, loosening those reins, and we see that they're trying to become more independent, they're like, bucking against some of the things that we have set in place, when they were younger. We need to make sure that we are acknowledging when we fall short, and owning that, because they are going to follow that, if we act like we didn't do anything, we don't apologize, we don't admit, we don't reflect, then they're not going to do that either. Right. So we have to watch ourselves during this time, because they're watching what we're doing. And it really could shatter them. They don't always articulate what's going on with them, you know, but they could be looking at what you're doing. If they're seeing you're being dishonest, not doing things, what you're supposed to be doing, that really, that really weighs on them. So make sure that you are being you know, living in integrity, and being honest with your child and being transparent with your child. Because when you can do that, then they can trust you. Because the trust isn't just about what you say, but also about what you do. So hopefully, we're keeping these things in mind, reserving judgment, letting them be someone that you go to, to talk to you not blowing up and shutting down their conversations with them, that you are avoiding nagging them, that you are connecting with them on a social level, that you are having them work up to privileges or giving them privileges that maybe they didn't have in the past. You are noticing what they like bringing it to them, and noticing different things that they're interested in bringing it to their attention, and that you are asking their opinion, giving them opportunities to show leadership. And you are living in integrity so that they can trust you and believe what you're doing. And in showing that you're a human and you're flawed. And when they're flawed, and they're human, you're accepting them for that, again, avoiding the judgment, helping them navigate situations, giving them natural consequences, you know, all these things are going to help us keep those bonds in place. And help us to have our kids fall in love with learning. Because, you know, going through adolescence is a learning process, right? And instead of them really turning it against themselves and turning against us. They're understanding the process and learning from the process and growing. So thank you again for joining the fallen for learning podcast. I am TD Flenaugh Have a great week. Thanks again for supporting the falling for learning podcast. New episodes go live every Saturday at 5pm. You can watch us on youtube.com at falling for learning or listen on all major podcast platforms such as Apple, Google, Audible, Spotify, and much more. For more resources visit falling in love with learning.com We really appreciate you have a wonderful week.